Move over Oscar, Miniature Darwin Award winners are in

For the record, I obviously did not invent the Darwin Awards, and I continue to have no idea of the identity of the clever individual who did. I got my copy of this year's nominees via E-mail from a friend of mine from high school. Let me make it clear for those conscientious few who read my column like rabid hawks to make sure that everything is on the up and up, I'm pretty sure that my friend is not the original creator of the Darwin Awards either, so you'll probably need to go on some Arthurian-style quest to find out exactly who it is. Let me know how that turns out.

But anyhoo, I don't want it to seem like the only responses I got were from crazy, nit-picking whiners. They were merely the majority. But a couple of people actually sent in responses to my search for the intellectually challenged of Penn State. Here now, for your reading enjoyment, are a few of the best and the brightest stories.

I received a delightful example of State College-brand stupidity from Donald J. Fleming (senior-mechanical engineering). It seems that during Homecoming 1996, a friend of his -- let's just call him "Marvin" -- spent the better part of that Friday downing Long Island iced teas in Cafe 210 West. Allow me to quote the ever-so-eloquent Fleming for the remainder of the tale:

Fortunately, Marvin sustained only a broken tooth, a black eye and the standard cuts and abrasions. I'm sure he also had a headache, but whether that was from the float or the teas we'll never know.

Now, if you will recall, in my last column I said the nominees need not be residents of State College, and this is the case with our next contestant.

This nomination comes to us from Amee Patel (senior-biochemistry). It seems that she has a cousin, Rupal, who lives in England. So, Rupal was driving down the road one day, and she was lost in thought about one thing or another. Well, things got a little crowded on the narrow, one-lane highway, and traffic was moving at about 20 mph.

Rupal, mind still wandering, did not have her foot all the way down on the break pedal and Whoops!, she bumped into the car in front of her.

Shaken by the incident, she looked at the car in front of her, waiting to see if the person was going to get out and cause a ruckus. The driver of the other car was too slumped forward in the seat for her to get a clear look at him. Traffic had slowed to a standstill.

After 10 minutes went by, Rupal started to panic. "What is wrong with this person?," she wondered. "Did he hit his head? Did he have a heart attack? Omigod! Is he dead?!" So she jotted her insurance information on a piece of paper, jumped out of her car and walked as calmly as possible to the driver's side window. On her way, she noticed that she had put a healthy dent in both bumpers.

She reached the window and slowly peered inside. She saw the driver, his body slumped forward, and his finger buried deeply in his nose. She tapped on the window and told him that she was the one who bumped him and offered to exchange insurance information with him. He rolled down the window only a crack and, as she slid her information through, he told her that her insurance information will not be necessary, but would she be kind enough to call an ambulance because he was unable to dislodge his finger. It seems that he was picking his nose at the time of the impact and the force caused his finger to get stuck.

Upon hearing this, she ran back to her car and called the hospital from her cellular phone. She still has not heard from the guy she hit. Presumably, he was too embarrassed to call her insurance company about the claim.

Readers, I could not decide between these two fine entries. Therefore, I declare them both to be THE WINNERS of the Penn State Miniature Darwin Award. As a prize, they both get mentioned in the paper and my personal thanks. "Thanks!"