Books of Love

Decades of dating guides teach lovers-to-be rules of romance

Boy meets girl.

She's utterly gorgeous and intelligent with a great sense of humor. He can't stop thinking about her. Their conversations flow as easily as cool water down a parched throat. He's dying to ask her out, but the right way to approach the subject keeps eluding him.

"Guys don't have a problem with love. What we have a problem with is the flip-side of love. It's that irritating buzz-kill known as . . . Commitment." - p. 170

"Dating is such a big part of our culture that sometimes it helps to read a book about it to get a wider perspective," said Brooke Huhta (senior-nursing), a professed reader of books such as I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Romance and Relationships by Joshua Harris.

For decades, love-starved readers have been using books on how to find that special someone. The social changes our nation has undergone have greatly affected the advice offered in these texts.

Let's say, for example, that a lovelorn guy (let's name him "John") picks up Evelyn Millis Duvall's The Art of Dating, which was published in the late '50s. What clues about attracting members of the opposite sex will it give him?

"If he's clean and neat (hair combed, fresh shirt, nails clean) he's acceptable, and probably attractive to someone (p. 17)."

He probably finds that somewhat reassuring.

He flips through some more pages, looking for ideas about appropriate conversation. John and his love-to-be always seem to have things to talk about, but he's afraid his tongue will suddenly go limp with fear.

The Art of Dating suggests discussing activities in the community and at school, sporting events, news stories of popular interest, personal experiences and prevalent fun-talk such as riddles, "slanguage," anecdotes, jokes and puns.

Not entirely sure of what "slanguage" is, John dismisses the last option.

John tries a slightly more current source, Eric Weber's How to Pick Up Girls!, published in 1970. It gives him a slightly different perspective.

"What makes a man sexy? . . . According to the girls, long hair is dynamite (p. 35)!"

He turns the pages and finds some tips on opening lines.

Weber suggests employing questions such as: "You're a Pisces, aren't you?" or "Do you have an aspirin?" or even better, "How long do you cook a leg of lamb (p. 66)?"

"If you're not the wittiest guy in the world, then don't try to be a Jerry Lewis. It won't look right on you." - p. 37

Well, how about a man of the '90s?, John wonders. Would long hair and good hygiene be the keys for him?

In the words of Brendan Baber and Eric Spitznagel, authors of the recently published A Guy's Guide to Dating, the only thing a guy can do is "forget (his) shortcomings and play off the good stuff (p. 106)."

This lovesick guy grows his hair out, makes sure his nails are clean and tells her every good joke he knows, while skillfully preventing his hyena-like laugh from escaping his lips.

He's followed all the rules.

But what about the rules for women? The girl he adores, named "Jane," feels some attraction for John, but she wants to know the best way to make her feelings clear.

She heads to the library to do some much-needed research.

In a strange twist of fate, Jane happens upon the same book that John did,

The Art of Dating. "The girl who cultivates the art of listening as well as talking and gives her date undivided attention will never seem like a dull companion (p. 119)."

This seems like sound enough advice, but Jane is a little disturbed by the book's step-by-step instruction of dating etiquette at the movies.

"While the fellow buys the (movie) tickets, the girl steps aside and looks at the stills outside to avoid the boy any embarrassment he may feel at the ticket window (p. 111)."

Jane puts down Duvall's book. Things were certainly more clearly defined in the '50s than they are in the '90s.

"To keep a man from getting too much too soon, don't see him more than once or twice a week for the first month or two." - p. 74

In Always Say Maybe, author Sandra Gould advises taking up the sport that her love interest enjoys, with some minor stipulations.

"Sometimes, to his chagrin, she outplays him -- a move that may win a game but lose a marriage prospect (p. 35)."

Jane finds this view as outdated as The Art of Dating, so she decides to read more current sources.

She's heard about the recently written book, The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, and hopes it will help her play the game of love with skill.

The Rules, however, does not articulate the typical '90s view of dating.

"The premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things -- namely, that man pursues woman (p. 26)."

Other current books that Jane comes across, such as I Kissed Dating Goodbye, seem to emphasize the essence of a relationship, rather than simply obtaining the object of infatuation.

"This book helped me focus on what I can give to a relationship," said Cheryl Dickson (junior-human development and family services), who said she heard about the book from a Christian organization in which she participates.

Jane now has a lot of information on attracting the perfect guy, but what if Jane wants Jill or John wants Steve? What kind of books are out there for them?

"It's not as easy as it should be to find books that give advice to same-sex couples," said Duane Gildea (sophomore-human development and family services), political co-director of the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Student Alliance.

"It takes some searching, but you can find them."

Gildea said he also hopes there will be more books written for straight couples that address homosexual issues.

"Sexuality can be fluid, and sometimes a straight person might date someone who's gay or bisexual," he said.

"Ideally, I would like to see heterosexual dating books address these and other issues."

Though the books appear diverse and change their stance through time as society alters, "Jane" and "John" both find a common element in all of the texts they read.

It's a piece of advice that seems universal whenever someone considers relationships: be yourself.

"Be honest and don't play mind games," Huhta said.

After mastering the art of dating and following all the rules, Jane and John take this advice to heart and embark on the unique adventure that is romance in the '90s -- where anything goes -- boy meets girl, or girl meets girl, or . . . .