Hold the anchovies: Former soviet leader shouldn't sell pizza

Next, our beloved JoePa was pushing Milano Italian bread.

Even former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole got in the act, supporting credit cards, among other things, and showing Americans the personality he lacked during his failed campaign.

The Paterno thing was expected, and the Bob Dole commercials, while shocking, were not too surprising.

But I had to put my foot down when Mikhail Gorbachev became Pizza Hut's latest spokesman.

In a commercial for Pizza Hut, complete with subtitles and an eerie Russian backdrop as its setting, Gorbachev is portrayed as a champion of capitalism, with Pizza Hut seen as a benefit that could not be enjoyed during the country's reign of communism.

The problem is, the commercial is ridiculous. The aging former leader looks absurd sitting in the middle of a Pizza Hut, sharing a pizza with his granddaughter.

And the characters around him in the restaurant are laughable, cheering, in Russian, "Hail Gorbachev!" while wielding slices of pizza above their heads in triumph.

Certain products, he said, were not worthy of his support, but Pizza Hut offers a special product that is vital to people's lives -- pizza, what else?

"It's an important part of life," Gorbachev said in the CNN interview. "It's not only consumption, it's also socializing. If I didn't see that it was beneficial for people, I wouldn't have agreed to it."

Of course. Pizza is very beneficial to people in general, therefore, it is OK that the person who is credited for the dissolution of the Soviet Union is pitching pizza to consumer America. Something's wrong here, folks.

A football coach, no matter how moral or backward he may be considered, is pretty much expected to make a commercial or two. And Bob Dole needs something to do now that his political life is very over.

But it strikes me as deeply wrong when important political and historical figures are lured by money and used as pawns in TV commercials to sell people pizza.

The Gorbachev commercial is just one part of a much larger American problem, as I see it -- rampant consumerism.

As we hear stories of a disenchanted Russian public who has to stand in line for hours to simply buy a loaf of bread, we Americans cheerily run to our nearest Pizza Hut to order that great new pizza that Gorbachev hails as "beneficial for people." And we complain if our order isn't ready in half an hour or less.

Gorbachev's commercial will only be shown in America; Russians are still angry at their former leader and would not take well to an advertisement featuring him. One Russian explained his own anger at the commercial and the ludicrous way Gorbachev was portrayed in it.

"I personally think that once he's started to advertise Pizza Hut, the next step will be to advertise Tampax," the man told CNN.

Possibly, although Gorbachev insists that he will not agree to any more commercials. But, Mr. Gorbachev, tampons are "beneficial for people" and an "important part of life."

Maybe he'll reconsider -- I can just see it now: Russians screaming "Hail Gorbachev!" while flinging tampons at his head.