An April Fool's Day look at government

I have a confession to make. I'm a liberal. I want bigger government, I love Bill Clinton, and Gore 2000 already has my $50,000 Buddhist monk donation. April Fool's.

Unfortunately, the impact of a day full of lies and half-truths is lost in a world where everyday we are faced with lies and half-truths. Look around you, and you can see hundreds of bad April Fool's Day jokes being played on American society.

Let's start at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. For four years some of the best lies have originated here, and many of them seem like they need a "April Fool's" tacked on to the end.

Look at the FBI file scandal from last summer. Clinton stood up before god and country, blamed everyone but himself, and then tried to sell us on "bureaucratic snafu." Doesn't this scream "April Fool's?" The story that the White House tried to sell us on -- and which many of you bought -- was fabricated more carefully than any of my pranks.

Also consider Clinton's "coffee klatches." High ranking policy officials met in private with business leaders -- lobbyists for their respective businesses, essentially -- to "discuss community outreach programs." Never mind that these individuals were then encouraged to make donations to the president's re-election campaign. "There was never any direct relation between coffee guests and donations," the White House reported after they got caught. April Fool's.

Now turn back the clock a few weeks, and examine Al Gore defending his fundraising practices. He actually tried to convince us that because there was no "controlling legal authority" to regulate the law he had broken that he really hadn't done anything wrong. But, he also said, he'll never do it again. April Fool's.

Some of the best pranks are played by politicians, and Clinton and Gore are just the most visible pranksters. The Democratic National Committee also got into the act recently, when they got caught with their hand in the fortune cookie jar. Their story? Whoops, we didn't mean to, so we'll just give it all back and it will all be better. April Fool's.

By using the DNC's logic, I should be able to steal a car, do no damage to it, and after I am caught be able to return it without penalty. That would make a great April Fool's day prank, especially if I stole a police car.

Local politicians are no better. The State College Borough Council is also in the prank business, claiming that a law that segregates a portion of the population is not discriminatory. I wonder if they would feel the same way if the situation were reversed.

Since it's April Fool's day, let's look at that. Next fall, all students are elected to the borough council and I'm elected Mayor of State College. We all get together and decide that the non-student residents of this town are making our partying and vandalism less fun with all their whining. We pass and enforce a law that forces them to be separated by a minimum distance, one that says that no more than three related people can live in one house, etc. I wonder if they would see that as discrimination? April Fool's.

Student government has a few bad jokes of its own. Every year, for the most part, we get stuck with the same people in different outfits, telling us the same bad jokes about how they are going to solve all of our problems with the administration. Unfortunately, like any good April Fool's joke, the punchline leaves us with nothing.

Student government needs to start working on issues we actually care about, instead of bantering about self serving ideas like "grad pact" or whatever unrealistic plan these candidates are proposing. I have a great campaign idea, and it's so simple that it could be done right now.

It starts with another bad borough joke -- the idea that this town would either be here or survive without the student population to support it. As ridiculous as this is -- and we all know that the idea is simply absurd -- people on the council and members of the "permanent" State College community actually try to say this with a straight face.

What we should do is play a little joke of our own. Every student ought to buy a red magic marker and start writing the word "student" in big red letters on every bill that passes through our hands.

Write it on the back of twenties, tens, fives, ones -- every piece of U.S. paper currency you touch should have the word "student" written on it. In a few weeks, when every bill in this town is marked with red ink, the council and the town will see how much we contribute to the wage taxes. And when they tell you that its illegal to deface U.S. government property, just smile slyly and tell them "April Fool's."