SportsCenter commentators are more of an attraction than the sports

Just like any red blooded American sports fan, I get my highlights from SportsCenter. When compared to any other sports highlight program, ESPN has no rival.

One thing the show is noted for is the use of humor in its highlights. Instead of just reading last night's scores, SportsCenter anchors often display uncanny wit while on the air.

Many times after watching SportsCenter my friends and I discuss what outrageously funny comment the anchor just made rather than the actual sports event he or she reported on.

Each ESPN anchor has a distinctive style. Some have a more humorous or comical style of highlight delivery, while others stick to a more traditional no frills approach.

Just like in sports, however, some SportsCenter anchors are better performers than others. Here's how I rank the competition.

Hall of Fame

Chris Berman. A former regular on SportsCenter, he is undoubtedly the master of sports highlights. Berman has revolutionized ESPN with his unique delivery techniques.

He makes even the most boring sporting events funnier, more exciting and more fun to watch. He has developed his own side-splitting trademark lines, which are known throughout the sports world.

Just a few samples from Berman's repertoire. "Its a fummmmble!" "He could go all the way!" and "Back, back, back ..."

Berman also has developed hundreds of nicknames for athletes. These are like characters on the Simpsons -- everyone has his or her own personal favorite.

Here's a few of mine: Natrone Means "Business," Steve "I got you babe" Bono, and Andre "Bad Moon" Rison.

Unfortunately, Berman is no longer an anchor on "The Center." Now he spends most of his time covering NFL football. I feel as though this is a terrible waste of creative talent. Limiting his abilities to football is like limiting a renaissance artist to just one medium.

Please bring him back to SportsCenter where he belongs.

Robin Roberts. Proof that women do know sports. Roberts is one of the best ever to grace the SportsCenter set. Unfortunately, she also no longer works for "The Big Show."

In her prime, Roberts added clear, concise and remarkably intelligent comments to accompany her SportsCenter highlights.

She was so good that she won over millions of reluctant male viewers who insisted that sports highlights be delivered by a man.

Roberts clearly belongs in the SportsCenter Hall of Fame.

First Team

Keith Olbermann. He has picked up where Berman left off. Olbermann has developed his own distinctive style of highlight delivery, along with his own set of trademark lines.

Here's a few: "Four goings and a gone," "He beat him like a rented goalie," and "They're not going to get 'em!"

Olbermann's highlights often are laced with biting wit and satire. He's not afraid to put athletes in their place. He often speaks out against taunting and unsportsmanlike conduct with comments like, "Real men don't taunt." He frequently mocks post-touchdown end zone dances and other excessive celebration.

If there's one weakness in Olbermann's "game," it might be that he is often too sarcastic. Unlike Berman, who commonly displayed emotion on SportsCenter, Olbermann never seems to take anything seriously.

Dan Patrick. The last of the "superstars" of SportsCenter, he regularly appears opposite of Olbermann. The two are a perfect complement. While he can be quite sarcastic at times, Patrick usually offsets Olbermann's wackiness with a more serious manner.

Just like Berman and Olbermann, Patrick uses comedy in his approach and has developed his own set of signature lines.

"You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him" and "He's 'en fuego," are two, along with Patrick's keen liking to saying the name Detlif Schrempf.

Second Team

Bob Ley. He is very different from either of the two first teamers. Ley rarely, if ever, uses comedy when he delivers the sports. This doesn't mean he lacks any game, though.

Ley provides smooth, easy to follow highlights. He also possesses considerable knowledge in a variety of sports.

More praise of Ley. Besides anchoring SportsCenter, he also hosts ESPN's "Outside the Lines," a wonderfully produced show and excellent example of quality sports journalism.

Rich Eisen. A relative newcomer to SportsCenter, Eisen is bursting with potential. He already has learned that on SportsCenter, an anchor can get away with saying just about anything. His shoot-from-the-hip style is great at producing laughs.

I once saw him do a hilarious impression of Ted Koppel immediately after the ABC anchor finished plugging a show appearing on ESPN.

One of his great lines, a high pitched, "He shoots, he scores!" brings excitement to hockey highlights.

Better off on the Bench

Stuart Scott. Just like with Berman and Patrick, he delivers lines that leave the listener wondering, "Where did he come up with that one?" Unfortunately for Scott, in his case this question takes on much more negative connotations.

During a typical episode of SportsCenter Scott unleashes a slew of remarks and comments that are as confusing as they are stupid.

Some examples.

"He must be butter cause he's on a roll."

Weak.

"Call him the bus driver, cause he just took the defender to school."

I think I used that one on the playground once -- in third grade. The game was four square.

Scott once described a vicious slam dunk as being "like the Wu-Tang Clan with a hangover."

Huh? Is he trying to impress us with his expanded knowledge of modern music? Please. This guy's about as hip as Wilfred Brimley at spring break in Panama City.

Linda Cohn. Besides the fact that she's regularly paired with Scott, there's another reason I don't like Cohn. Her voice. It's very annoying. She sounds like she's whining instead of reading the sports, and that's a bad thing, especially first thing in the morning.

Cohn is also very adept at fumbling her words, getting little things like players' names wrong and just generally screwing up the highlights. Oh yeah, she doesn't seem to know a damn thing about sports, either.

A definite bench warmer.