Sexual assault survivors share stories

Jane was raped on the eve of her 18th birthday at a fraternity where she had been drinking.

Amy was assaulted in an alley near a convenience store when she first came to Penn State.

The stories are all different, but sexual assault and rape have many of the same devastating effects on their victims. Some cannot stand to be touched. Others will cut their hair and stop wearing makeup.

Statistically, sexual assault occurs every two minutes in this country. It is the most under-reported crime in the United States. The FBI estimates that 80 to 90 percent of all sexual assaults are not reported. Known victims range from 2 months to 93 years old. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime.

Despite the deluge of statistics, misconceptions remain in the minds of many people. One common myth is that rape is a sexually motivated crime. In reality, it is about power, control and violence against women.

For victims, a large part of recovering is regaining that power and control.

Jane, who asked that her real name not be used, still has trouble talking about the night she was raped in October 1995.

"I had way too much to drink," said the 19-year-old sophomore. "After a while, I didn't remember anything. I only remember being led into a dark room and someone on top of me."

Recalling what happened, she often pauses to fight back the tears.

Her friends eventually found her and walked her back to her dorm in East Halls. She cried the entire way trying to remember and make sense of what happened.

Jane didn't tell anyone at first.

"I thought it was my fault because I went to this party and I did get drunk," she said.

Eventually she saw a counselor who helped her realize it was not her fault, and she got tested for sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. She never contacted the police and never went to another fraternity party.

When the tests came back negative, she thought everything was going to be OK. It wasn't.

"I failed out of school," she said. "I don't know if it was directly because of it, but I think it had something to do with it."

Jane is now a part-time student on a conditional basis.

What happened to Jane happens to many women.

The largest study of sexual assault victims was done at Kent State University in 1985 and included 6,000 students at 32 college campuses. It found that one in eight women will be sexually assaulted during her college years, and one in four is the victim of an attempted rape. Most women, 84 percent, knew the men who raped them and 57 percent were on dates. More than 95 percent did not report the assault to officials and 42 percent of the victims didn't tell anyone.

Like Jane, Melissa was a freshman when she was raped by an acquaintance in August 1990. It was her second semester at the Abington-Ogontz Campus.

One night Melissa, who asked that her last name not be used, went with a male friend to a movie. After the movie ended, he suggested they go for a drive in his car to a miniature golf course to "look at the stars" because he was majoring in astronomy.

"It seemed like he had the whole thing planned. He had rope in the car," she said. "Now what I tell people is if you feel something wrong, just get out of there."

With her hands tied behind her back and a knife at her throat, he raped Melissa, a virgin at the time.

"When it was over, it was weird because he drove me home like nothing happened. It really didn't hit me. I was in shock," she said. "I didn't report it. I didn't even tell anyone."

Melissa buried the incident inside her and tried to get through the semester. She took her finals and prepared to start the next semester at University Park. She thought she had put it behind her.

Instead, she entered what she calls her "promiscuous period."

"From Friday to Saturday, I couldn't tell you what happened," she said. "I used alcohol as an excuse. My attitude was if this is what they want, it's better to give it to them than have it taken from you."

Melissa then went to the other extreme and avoided all social contact and cut her hair short in an attempt to make herself look less attractive, something many sexual assault survivors do.

She had nightmares and even to this day can't stand to have her hands behind her head.

Although she had once been in the University Scholars Program, her grades dropped. For academic and other reasons, Melissa decided she would be happier transferring to Temple University.

More than two years after being raped, Melissa went for counseling. For many years, trusting people was a problem. When she told one boyfriend, she said he reacted as if she had been branded or ruined.

Now, Melissa said she is engaged to a loving, understanding man.

"You can't let it be a demon that eats you up. It's something you really have to deal with. It's hard at first, but in the end, you'll be more at peace."

Although both Jane and Melissa were raped, an attempted rape can have just as devastating effects.

Amy, a junior who asked her real name not be used, escaped her attacker.

In September 1994, she was a freshman living in East Halls. One weekend night, she left a fraternity party to go to a convenience store to buy cigarettes. Waiting for her friends to meet her at midnight, someone called her name from a nearby alley.

"I just had a feeling that something wasn't right so I turned around to go back (to the party) and someone came from behind and grabbed me from behind," she said.

Her attacker put one hand over her mouth and another across her chest so she was unable to see his face. Although she could not see him, he told her that he had seen her at a football game.

When he ripped her shirt, his grip loosened enough for her to get away and run back across the street to the fraternity.

"I really don't remember a lot after that because I went into shock," she said.

Her roommates later told her that she collapsed in front of the fraternity and they called the police.

It was only at that point the girls realized the hang-up calls they had been getting may have been more threatening than they first thought. The police tapped the phone, but the calls always came from pay phones or phones in the lobby of dorms. Her attacker was never caught.

Amy lived in fear the rest of her time at Penn State.

"The thing that was the most nerve-racking was I never knew who it was. It had to be someone who knew me -- maybe somebody in my class," she said.

She started sitting in the last row so nobody could watch her from behind. Other times, she would skip class and just sit in her room. At the end of her freshman year, her grades were all D's and F's.

Patty Johnstone, assistant director of the Center for Women Students, helped Amy get a trauma drop -- which effectively wiped out her grades and let her start with a clean slate.

She spent the next year at a Commonwealth Campus where she felt safer before finally returning to University Park this year.

"There are so many people out there that don't realize it could happen to them," she said. "It's not just something you're going to read in the paper. . . . One reason I chose Penn State was because of the safety. . . but things happen everywhere."