Movie goers need to learn proper etiquette before entering theaters

The following story is true. It occurred while I was at Cinema 6, 501 Benner Pike, Saturday to see Clint Eastwood's latest film, Absolute Power.

Hackman looks into the mirror and loosens his tie and checks his teeth. Eastwood is standing right on the other side of the glass looking at him. Everyone in the theater knew it was a two-sided glass -- well, I thought everyone did. The man behind me suddenly realized why Hackman didn't notice Eastwood was only a foot away from him.

"Wait a minute. Is that a two-sided glass?" he asked his wife.

She assured him it was and that ended the first of what I estimated to be at least 15 of the stupidest conversations I have ever heard in my life. Sure, I tried the old turn-around-and-look-at-them-with-disgust trick and the more overt "sssshhhh," but there was no stopping these people from engaging in their continuous banter.

For years I put up with people talking, getting up from their seats and being a general nuisance in theaters. Well no more. From now on, whenever I hear even the slightest bit of conversation anywhere around me in the theater, I'm going to tell them exactly how annoying they really are.

There are so many reasons NOT to talk during a movie. People miss what's going on when some imbecile opens his or her mouth. When someone talks, he or she is wasting everyone else's money. I can understand when kids do it, but I mostly see adults talking and moving around in the theater. How come adults can't keep their mouth shut for about two hours? How come adults can't control their bladders or urges for soda for two hours?

For all the mentally inferior people who act improperly during a trip to the theater, I have devised four rules of etiquette while viewing a film. If one abides by the following rules, that person will never annoy anyone in the theater.

1. Thou shall not talk during the presentation. This includes previews. One may make first-impression comments such as "That looks good, bad, etc." between previews, but at no other time.

2. Thou shall not move from thy seat during the film. I will exclude children from this rule because they have less control over their bladders, but an adult should be able to hold it in for about two hours. Also, do all food and drink purchasing prior to entering the theater.

4. Thou shall realize that nearly everyone in the theater is watching the same film. I say nearly because by the comments I have heard in the past, I believe some people aren't watching the same thing as I am.

This rule prevents people from serving as narrators of the film. If the villain in a movie has a gun, there is absolutely no need to announce, "He's got a gun!" Also, please note that characters can NOT hear viewers. Do not talk to the characters. It makes the person doing it look stupid -- and insane.

These rules are all very simple to obey. Observing them requires only a minuscule amount of common courtesy. Also note that I gave nothing away about Absolute Power in this column. That would be breaking another rule of common courtesy -- I guess that's number five.

What I am basically trying to say is if you see someone talking during a movie, tell them to shut their yap. And if you are one of the ignorant folks who yammers on and on about inane and moronic topics during a film . . . stick to rentals.

If this pattern of bad behavior continues, I'll have to devise a Plan B to shut people up. And I think the words "flogging" and "caning" will be included in that column.