Philly vs. Pittsburgh: The final showdown begins

The First Amendment implications of STRAIGHT are numerous. . . WAIT! I am going to break the trend here and actually not write a column on this semester's seminal topic.

Loccarini's hat represents the biggest "hot button," truly controversial issue among students on this campus -- one which epitomizes the conflict many of us face each day at Penn State:

Which city kicks more butt? Philly or Pittsburgh?

This one question causes more bar arguments, ruins more relationships and loses more bets than any other campus issue. I feel the time beckons for the final battle between the two cities -- fifteen rounds for the undisputed championship of the state of Pennsylvania.

As the totally unbiased writer and sage, I will judge each round, or separate "competition," so to speak. Because I need to fill this column, there will be no early knockout. So, "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"

I went to the "O" two years ago and almost was greeted with a bullet in my head.

The corner on Forbes Avenue reminded me of Chicago in the Summer of 1968.

The "famous" french fries I found extremely overrated. I ordered a "steak sandwich" and received a hamburger with vegetables on white bread. At least at Pat's, I can gossip with cops and perhaps, if I'm REALLY lucky, meet a local oldies DJ.

WINNER: PHILLY

Round 2: Mayor Ed Rendell vs. Mayor Tom Murphy

Rendell is quite possibly the best mayor in America and probably will be our next governor. No contest on this one . . .

WINNER: PHILLY

This definitely represents a true hot-button. Lemieux and Jagr are very talented, but face it, Jaromir ain't showing up on Melrose Place anytime soon.

Perhaps "Godzilla vs. Elmo" is a better analogy.

WINNER: PHILLY

ANYONE who grew up in Philly can remember the first time they saw Jim Gardner, the most ubiquitous, well-known local anchor in America.

EVERYBODY watches Channel 6 news. Lisa Thomas-Laurie might as well be my second mother. Pittsburgh has John Fedko -- enough said.

WINNER: PHILLY

Actually, Pittsburgh has definitely cleaned up its act in this embarrassing department. Meanwhile, Mayor Goode bombed his own city. OK, we may still see some life in the 'Burgh.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH

Duh

WINNER: PHILLY

I will never forget watching the 1992 NLCS in Pittsburgh and the blinding sight of empty seats in the Three Rivers Stadium outfield.

WINNER: PHILLY

This one goes to the Steel City. "Send Your Pictures" just did not elicit the same joyous response as, say, "It's Such a Good Feeling . . ."

Meanwhile, who can ever forget the "Neighborhood Burlap Bags" or the "Going to School" episode?

Where was the door on Lady Elaine's museum? Why didn't they ever go to that Eiffel Tower building left of the castle? I digress.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH

Let's see . . . Academy Award for Best Picture vs. the defining film of the 80's "Welding and Aerobics" genre.

WINNER: PHILLY

The most noticeable dorm complexes in each respective city are quite intriguing structures.

The Towers at Pitt are the ultimate in late-60's "bad acid trip/space age" architecture. At Penn's Quad, you need to pass through more security than an airport in Tel Aviv.

WINNER: TOSSUP

You can not even find the classic Philly "working man's beer" anymore. IC is a staple, even though it does taste like Ohio River sewage.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH

This one is an upset. I am frankly "Rooted out," and meanwhile, who can forget such classics as "All You Zombies?"

WINNER: PHILLY

I am proud to bestow the City of Philadelphia with the undisputed championship belt. Philly proceeds to tell me it is ready for all challenges. Is your city ready to challenge the champ?

Is Pittsburgh ready for a rematch? These questions all remain to be answered. Until then, I have ended the argument once and for all.

You may all now continue not caring about STRAIGHT.