Don't waste spring break money on Valentines

Wow, it's Valentine's Day! It's the holiday that can either fill your heart with love and joy or dash your hopes on a rock, forcing you to an early retirement from this life.

Don't feel bad if you are one of the pathetic lot whose only companionship on this day of love is a box of tissues and a loaded forty-five. The ones hurling candy hearts at you, fornicating on the HUB lawn and cramming Valentine's Day down your throat will soon be swapping places with you.

(That doesn't count the people at Hallmark. They will still be writing cards and marketing them for a while. I doubt that they will become angst-ridden college students anytime soon.)

What I mean is that the cycle of love is in constant motion and if you are in pain or alone now, you will be rewarded with whatever you think love is -- and if you haven't been, consider yourself lucky.

Love comes and goes. I suggest just using people for sex until the money runs out and then moving on.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that barely any of us are going to marry anyone we know now. (Unless you already are married or it's arranged -- then you probably are.)

There is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend or a girlfriend (unless you ask that Willard preacher guy.-- now there's someone who could use some earthly love, but women, don't get your hopes up, there is already a man in his life. Is it one or three? I could never get that straight.)

But don't think the relationship that you have now is going to last forever. Love is a funny thing and it will always leave you cold and alone -- the only question is when?

At first, it feels great. You want to do nothing but be with your new-found love. You say stupid things and you act stupid. That's because you are.

Wait until it becomes old and comfortable, like a good shoe. That's when you can be sure the end will be really painful and drawn-out.

A nice woman in my class was telling me that she just recently broke up with her boyfriend of seven months. "He was afraid of commitment," she said.

In other words, he didn't want to get married yet. Can you blame him? There is still so much to do in life. Besides, marriage and kids are expensive as hell. At least have a career first. The other problem with this guy was that he lived in Germany. There's something else that I never understood.

"My boyfriend came to America for a three-week visit and then he moved back to Russia."

I hate it when people get drunk and complain that their Russian girlfriend isn't calling as much. Be realistic. You aren't going to be there to make sure that every Tom, Dick and Ivan isn't hooking up with her.

People should take this love subject very lightly. We get so swept up into it. I read an article that said that chocolate stimulates the same emotional response that love does. Save yourself some pain: eat a Clark Bar.

What good is there in a relationship? What is the point? When our parents got married they were about the age that we are now, about 21 or 22. And when they got divorced they were about 41 or 42.

We are younger than they were when they were our age. (Read that 10 times fast.) Our generation's average marriage age is predicted to be somewhere around 26 or 27. So tack another 20 years on to that and you will have our average divorce years also.

Nothing is permanent, especially love. If you think that the person you are dating now will be your spouse (whether legal or illegal, depending on your sexuality and your state of residence) you are wrong.

So, before you go out shopping for flowers, before you buy those bungee-jumping trip tickets and before you invest in candy hearts and a singing telegram, think about the person that you are shelling out the money for.

Are they worth it? Are you trying to resuscitate a dead love? Are you blowing spring break money on someone that will just dump you in a week, probably in front of your friends, right after they shot your dog?

Or is this the one? Cause if you think it is, you are most likely fooling yourself. Happy Valentine's Day!

Incidentally, did you ever notice that the initials for Valentine's Day are V.D.? What do you think?