Thieves: Keep my coat, but next time get a job

Dec. 7, 1996 was the night I reached my boiling point with a certain group of people in State College. And these people aren't just in State College -- they're everywhere.

To quote my brother, "They can never serve as a functioning cog in the machine that is society."

These people are thieves.

They are also known as swindlers, pirates, burglars, weasels (the last one is my own made-up synonym).

The Saturday evening started when I was getting ready to go to Crowbar, 420 E. College Ave., to spend the night with some friends who were graduating and to see Sideshow Bob (shameless plug for my favorite State College band).

I was getting ready to leave and I put on my new coat. As I shut my closet door, I remembered Crowbar does not have a guarded coatroom, so I decided to put on an old coat in case anything happened.

After the clock struck two, my friends and I headed for the exit. I stopped in the coat area to quickly pick up my jacket, but I ended up staying for about 10 minutes.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, my coat was stolen.

Now, it doesn't really matter because it wasn't a very expensive coat and I have a new one I can wear, but it's the principle that bothers me. Also, now I have to freeze my butt off any time I go to the bars because I don't want to risk getting my good coat stolen.

The person who stole my coat is a loser. In my mind, there can be no debate on that issue. The person probably got four beers in him instead of his usual two and decided to do something wild (I guess I'm being sexist by thinking it was a male, but I'm not into political correctness anyhow).

But there's a bigger issue at hand.

A coworker of mine and I were talking during our break one night last semester. He told me how he was happy his mother was able to buy him a winter coat because he wouldn't be able to afford it himself unless he sacrificed something else, such as rent.

What if it was his coat?

The coat incident wasn't my only experience with thieves that night.

I stopped in Uni-Mart for a snack on the way home from Crowbar. While I was paying the cashier, another guy walked in and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and ran out the door.

Since I was annoyed with thieves and a little drunk, I decided to run after the guy.

I don't exactly move like the wind so I couldn't catch the guy, but I was able to yell at him from the middle of College Avenue.

When I yelled something about him stealing and some other choice phrases, he yelled back, "I didn't have the money to pay for them."

Well, what the hell was I thinking when I got mad at him? I mean, if I would have known he didn't have the money, I would have said, "Look at that ambitious young man trying to satisfy his nicotine craving!"

I've got a message for that guy and all other thieves out there -- get a friggin' job!

Stop stealing other people's hard-earned money and property, and get off your butt and work so you can buy a coat or cigarettes.

How many times is there a bicycle or stereo equipment stolen on campus? Almost everyday. Just check the police log in the Collegian if you doubt me.

How many times do people have their laundry stolen or find it in the trash can? Hell, people here at the Collegian steal compact discs and reference books from each other! It's disgusting.

It amazes me that people, who in most cases are still supported by their parents, find it necessary to steal from others.

To the person who has my coat (Urban Equipment -- hunter green), I want you to know you are a loser.

I wish I could be more eloquent, but I can't. You add no value whatsoever to society and you never will until you put your kleptomaniacal tendencies to rest.

And to the poverty-stricken gentleman who stole the cigarettes from Uni-Mart, I reiterate what I yelled in the street (if I remember correctly) when I say, "I hope you choke and die on those cigarettes." And yes, I mean that with all sincerity.