My Opinion
Remembering loved ones: the human heroes of our lives

Grieving the death of someone you love is never easy, and my Grandmom Kapp is among my most beloved. She died suddenly last Sunday. I should have been prepared for it; she had heart problems, she was 82. It's been almost two weeks since her death and I just don't accept that she's gone.

Then again, I guess she won't ever really be "gone." Although I will have to comprehend the reality of her death, her presence in my life is etched deeply into my foundation. She taught me to be who I am. As my caretaker when I was a child and my parents were working, she brought me up to a large extent. She was still teaching me during spring break when I saw her last, as I helped take care of her later in life -- running errands, buying groceries and flowers.

The time she spent with me is a cherished gift. Her constant praise in simple words and gestures --from the era of my Play-Doh masterpieces to that of making Dean's List -- has all fostered a deep sense of my strength and ability. The special, unconditional love only a grandparent can give is mine forever.

How and what she taught me about love are lessons we could all use. It is difficult to embrace a person as a whole, loving the good and forgiving the flaws found in every one of us. This is especially difficult when we love someone. We want to teach others to be "perfect," to make the decisions and embrace the ideas we think will enrich their lives. It is tempting to discount people or even push them out of our lives when they don't play according to our rules.

My grandmom chose to teach me and those around her by personal example. Her ability to listen and laugh drew many co-workers and neighbors, as well as her family, close to her. Even when she was sick herself, she was still a source of comfort and love to those who surrounded her.

Her concern and generosity are rare ... she was devoted to bringing up my cousin Diane, myself and my brother Adam ... making gifts of her carefully and lovingly raised chrysanthemums, and giving them away by the armful ... every holiday she had gifts for my maternal cousins, who do not see their family as often.

The thousands of small kindnesses she performed added up to more than their sum.

Heroes are not just the deities or the superhuman people we read about in myths and stories. They are also people who, like my grandmother, dedicate their lives to living kindly and well. She was not a politician, a policy-maker or an activist, outside the speeches she gave from her chair in the living room. But she created a strong family and showed love to many different people every day of her life. She made life better and richer with her presence.

She was human, certainly. You never had to ask twice how she felt, she let you know. She liked things done one certain way, her way.

I had much difficulty accepting her fear of Other; her generation did not grow up exposed to the idea of cultural diversity. So she was terrified when nurses entered her home, women newly arrived in America from Liberia and Somalia who were very different from the white Pennsylvania Dutch community where she lived most of her life.

Given months of time and many explanations, she began to overcome this fear and became friends with her caretakers. They became people who got some of her special Christmas candy, people she would worry about and help any way she could.

We can only expect to find flaws in others, and ourselves. This doesn't mean we can't work on our problems. It also doesn't mean we can't be heroes. Every one of us can live our lives as my grandmother chose to, making ourselves examples that brightly illuminate the path to life's high road.

The small kindnesses we perform are an integral part of our service to the community, and our love for our families and friends.

I believe these acts are small seeds we plant in others. We can never hope to change someone's beliefs except through those seeds we plant in their minds. Big plans and large-scale movements only work if they are effective in creating changes in the small steps and daily actions of society.

How better to lead than to do what you ask of others? When we see this as the only path to truly affecting change in our lives and in the world, those who do their good works on a small scale and lead by example become larger than life... they are, indeed, heroes.

Dedicated to my grandmother, Mary Kapp.