My Opinion
Complacency rewarded as cheery 'Gump' sure to take the Oscar day

It's Oscar time again, a time-honored tradition that should be named a national holiday. So when the awards are presented on Monday, to a live televised audience that seems to grow exponentially every year, I'll definitely be in front of my TV, gleefully watching. (I'm especially excited about the musical production number featuring Faye Dunaway and the Harlem Boys Choir.)

An Oscar is a very big thing in the movie business. It brings millions of dollars in box-office revenue to the winning film, plus respect and a slew of job offers for the winning actors.

And in Hollywood, where Oscars are as common as nose jobs and fourth wives, the little guy can get you a good table at Spago, which is much more important than creating any meaningful and lasting cinematic art.

In other words, Oscar equals power. Not bad for a gold-plated statuette with no genitalia.

I have been assigned to predict this year's Oscars, a job that I am eminently qualified for. (Basically, I was the only shmuck who volunteered to do it.) It's a tough job, deciding which films will win big and which ones will go home empty-handed. After all, my reputation, little, pathetic thing that it is, is at stake. So, with the help of my favorite Psychic Friend and Tony, a bookie from Hoboken, I present the winners.

BEST PICTURE -- Two words: Forrest Gump. A lot of people hate this movie (and you know who you are), but many more love it. But that's hardly the point. Forrest Gump isn't a film about American history. It's a part of American history just like Gone With the Wind, Star Wars and The Graduate. Love it or hate it, Gump will be around for a long time, longer than any of the other nominees, including Pulp Fiction. For that alone it should and will win Best Picture.

BEST ACTOR -- Hugh Grant was robbed! Having said that, I'll say that Tom Hanks will win. Yes, he won last year and, in a normal year, he would be considered out of the running. But it was not a normal year and Hanks gives the best performance of his career so far. There's also the fact that right now he's the most popular man in the world.

BEST ACTRESS -- Female roles in Hollywood suck. Let me rephrase that. If there were any female roles in Hollywood they would suck. Therefore Best Actress is a tough one to call. Jessica Lange has the best chance for Blue Sky a film so obscure that probably only Jessica and a few of her close friends have seen it. Other possibilities: Jodie Foster for her gibberish Nell (Like she needs another one -- please, Jodie, share a little) and Susan Sarandon for The Client, a film so soft and fluffy it feels like it was washed in Downy.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Samuel L. Jackson deserves it for his fiery-eyed, scripture-quoting hit man in Pulp Fiction. But it will go to Martin Landau for portraying Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood, despite the fact that no one saw that movie either.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Kirsten Dunst was robbed! The little tyke deserved to be nominated for Interview With the Vampire. Dianne Wiest, though, was hilarious in Bullets Over Broadway and she's won every other film award this year so she's a sure thing to win on Oscar night. (By the way, did I mention that female roles in Hollywood suck?)

As for the rest of the nominees -- I don't care. Actually I do, but the rest of the world does not. Basically, all the other awards are excuses for people to go to the bathroom and get more Chex mix from the kitchen. Let's just say that Robert Zemeckis will win Best Director and Forrest Gump will win everything else.