My Opinion
No butt kissing, no Grammy nods

As if 36 times weren't enough, the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is back again with another pathetic effort to overlook quality music, and toot the horns of quantity and conformity.

The 37th Annual Grammy Awards, set for broadcast tomorrow night, will consist of the usual music types -- clapping loudly for overrated pop gurus and "artists" who think Elton John's finest work is ahead of him.

And to those who were snubbed by the establishment (such as Pavement, G. Love and Special Sauce, Sugar, Public Enemy), sorry -- you did not sell enough records or kiss the right behinds. There is always the 38th Annual Grammy's.

Despite our obvious bitterness at the bourgeois pop kingdom, we realize our own meager opinions will not stop the Grammy juggernaut from telling us what to think. So, without further ado, here are our picks for the major categories, although the real winners were not even nominated:

-- Record of the Year -- All I Wanna Do (is stop hearing this song)? No. Mary Chapin who -- oh, Carpenter? No. Although not a "Born to Run" milestone, the Boss' "Streets of Philadelphia" is smart, important and real. This should be the winner. Too bad that its popularity is more from a catchy tune than the uncatchy message. (DAS)

-- Album of the Year -- or . . . rather, comment of the year, since Tony Bennett's MTV Unplugged was nominated simply because his newfound "hipness" resulted from his statement that the Red Hot Chili Peppers are cool. However, none of the nominees, including Bonnie Raitt's Longing in Their Hearts and Eric Clapton's From the Cradle, are truly spectacular. Clapton is the most deserving nominee, but other unmentioned albums this year were much more explosive than both combined. (JDS)

-- Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group -- "Regulate" brought Warren G to the spotlight (sit down already!) and Salt and Pepa's "None of Your Business" is nothing more than a female locker room tale. Cypress Hill's urban anthem "I Ain't Going Out Like That," is miles ahead of the mediocre pack. If only it was not released in the summer of 1993! (DAS)

-- Best New Artist -- For somebody watching the Grammys who knows virtually nothing about new music, these nominees might make some kind of sense. Counting Crows and Green Day are both rather cool, but the Crows released their work in Fall 1993, and Green Day had two albums prior to Dookie. Ace of Base are somewhat new (Winter 1993) but not at all cool. Crash Test Dummies also have a prior release, and along with Sheryl Crow, may have some merit, but "Best New Artist?" Come on, now! No one wins. (JDS)

-- Best Alternative Music Performance -- We're not sure what this category means, but here it goes. In case you did not know, Crash Test Dummies' God Shuffled His Feet is alternative (?) along with Green Day's Dookie. Nine Inch Nails' The Downward Spiral is semi-alternative, and the best alternative offered by the Academy. (DAS)

-- Best Rock Album -- This is the one that millions of flannel-clad, forever teen-agers have been waiting for. Sorry, Pearl Jam's Vs. is out of vogue, and the Stones Voodoo Lounge might have been good -- if they did not have any of their past records to live up to. Neil Young's Sleeps with Angels should take the win because he has lived up to his older stuff . . . and even surpassed it. (DAS)

-- Best Rock Vocal Performance, Female -- The usual players are all here, Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, Bonnie Raitt. And the best of the small field is Etheridge's "Come to My Window," for lack of a better alternative. (DAS)

-- Best Rap Solo Performance --Again the big hits are in the running, except for Craig Mack's "Flava in Ya Ear," a small-time hit. While all the tunes are enjoyable and overplayed (Coolio, Warren G, Snoop), the Grammy is up for grabs. But Dr. Dre should win, for masterminding the "solo" records of Warren G and Snoop Doggy Dog. (DAS)

By leaving out worthy nominees, and misclassifying music of all types, the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences will continue to make a mockery of all that is good and just in music. Until the day that those critics come to their senses -- we will be around to tell you what is what.