My Opinion
Defending ourselves from nightmares of violent reality

The setting of the dream varies. I'm walking down the street in the dark, alone, with tall, gray buildings lining my path. I'm off on a country road with no one in sight and a forest on either side of me that stretches as far as I can see. I'm on the rocky bush-lined path that leads to my junior high school.

The plots are similar. A man jumps out of the bushes or out from behind a dumpster. He doesn't have a face that I can remember, just a very powerful presence.

He grabs me and I can't break free from the grip of his strong arms. He lunges at me and I try to punch at his face, but when I throw my arm forward, it is limp, lifeless. It just falls to the ground.

I try to yell, but no sound will come. I try to run, but my legs feel lifeless, moving in slow motion below me so that I get nowhere.

I wonder if the scene was like this when a 21-year-old woman was attacked on Burrowes Street in the very neighborhood where I live. I wonder if she could not defend herself either. The scariest part is that for her, it was not a dream.

My dreams do not come from my imagination alone. They began at an early age, when I first heard about kidnappings, muggings, and sexual attacks. They began when I first saw fist fights on the pathway to school and wondered, what would I do if someone would want to fight me? Could I really punch a person in the face? Would I be able to hurt them, or would they laugh at my attempt?

Somewhere along the line the woods I used to play in became a forest of fear.

It is a sad reality that as human beings living together on this earth, we attack one another. Why should we have to fear one another?

John Locke, a 17th-century political philosopher, had a theory of man's state of nature. He said that because all of us are equally free to control our own lives, "no one ought to harm one another in his life, health, liberty, or possessions." But Locke also acknowledged the state of war that arises when a man crosses the boundary of nature's laws and seeks to harm another.

So the state of nature would say that the lives of all men should be preserved, but the state of war makes that impossible when one invades another's right to life. To this Locke says, "Such men have no other rule but that of force and violence, and so may be treated as beasts of prey."

From that basic belief arises the concept of self-defense. It is allowed, even encouraged. It says that we may do whatever it takes to break free from a life-threatening situation.

Yet many of us would be unable to act out that right if we were attacked for two reasons. One, we have not faced the fact that this state of war exists; inside, many of us want to believe that all men are essentially good or the bad will somehow never reach us.

Even though we may have nightmares, we want to leave those nightmares where they are safely tucked away into our subconscious.

I say to a friend, "Please call an escort to walk with at night," and she laughs at my overprotective notion. I walk home from work by myself in the dark, and though inside my every instict says, "this is stupid," somehow I just think I'll be safe. But what are we basing that hope on and who are we trusting? An attacker places no value on our safety and is certainly not one to be trusted.

The second reason we may be unable to act is that we simply do not know how. The fears I have that I would not be able to punch make sense. I have never learned how, and it's not a natural skill. Ask anyone who has broken a thumb from tucking it inside a fist.

This semester I'm taking a personalized defense course that teaches both realistic perspective and skill. But when you have spent most of your life in fear, it is difficult to look at your body as a weapon. When you have chosen a trusting view of a harsh world, facing the truth of your nightmares can breed paranoia. There is definitely something about learning how to gouge out a person's eye that makes you view your world differently.

The other night I left my apartment to study, and halfway across the parking lot, the cold silence of the darkness before me stopped me in my tracks. I thought of walking alone; I thought of having to walk back alone. I pictured a man lurking behind the dumpster ahead of me. I was paralyzed with the same fear that would not allow me to scream in my dreams, and I turned for home.

It takes time and practice to see that in real life, we need not be paralyzed. I now stand somewhere in between, aware of danger but not yet confident of my ability to face it. But it is most important to decide to face it.

Locke says, "Every man has a property in his own person; this nobody has any right to but himself."

Coach Lorenzo, my instructor, teaches this same principle when he says, "You have to believe that you are worth defending," as we run around in circles screaming, "I am a great person; I am worth a million dollars."

It's not simply about punching, screaming, or kicking in the right places. It's about facing the sometimes-violent state of the place where we are. It's about deciding that your life is too valuable to leave your safety in the hands of chance, and facing your nightmares by creating a new ending.