My Opinion
Love is more than Cupid's arrow stuck in your heart

Dear Kurt, I've done a lot of thinking these past couple weeks since you asked me to be the best man in your wedding. I am honored to be asked and am truly looking forward to that date, a year and a month from now.

The wedding is of the utmost importance to me (of course) and I want to be as close to the groom as I can. We've got to talk. You've made a big decision: to love for a lifetime. What does that mean?

Of course, you know far more than I do at this point. I'm not the one getting married. But if we can discuss this, maybe we can each grow in our understanding of what love involves and develop a deeper friendship in the bargain.

So to kick off our correspondence, I'll tell you some primary traits of love that I think are absolutely essential in any love relationship. The first principle is permanence.

What makes love special, what makes it unique, if it isn't a lifetime commitment? Love is not debatable. It is not negotiable. And it is certainly not just a feeling. Love is different from "infatuation" and having a "crush" because "Love never fails." You will not always get along with Dana. You will probably fiercely disagree on some things. There may be times when you don't even like each other. But you won't stop loving each other. Why? Because the fluctuations of feelings have got nothing to say to your permanent commitment.

So why, if the commitment is already there, do you want to have a ceremony?

Because, remember, besides telling the world, you are making a vow before God.

I think C.S. Lewis has something to say to us on this point. It is the nature of love to bind itself in a permanent commitment. The world is full of songs of people pledging their forever love to one another. Why do love and commitment go hand in hand? Because love and all the virtues go hand in hand.

For example, we can't separate love from honesty. Would you believe Dana loved you if she repeatedly lied to you? Would you believe she loved you if she was dating another man? That would be a farce. So is love without permanent commitment.

Working hand in hand with love's permanence is another principle of love: unconditionality. To love someone unconditionally means to love them ... period. All of us have our shortcomings. Some of us snore. Some of us occasionally deceive others for our own selfish purposes. Some of us may intentionally hurt another. We are not perfect. We must anticipate that the one we love will fail us from time to time (as we will surely fail them).

Unconditional love, then, originates outside the heart with an attitude. That attitude of unconditionality allows us to forgive them, again and again. Unconditionality allows us to safely be ourselves, leading to continued appreciation for a lifetime.

The third principle of love is purity. I think two points here are important. First, love attempts to protect the loved one from their personal weaknesses. You place her concerns above your own desires. For example, you should avoid anything which coarsens Dana's character or weakens her moral fiber, including the emotional dangers of a sexual relationship. Sure, waiting will be difficult. But what in life is valuable that's not difficult to obtain?

Second, by keeping your love pure you make your relationship special, unlike almost all others. Think of your purity as a rose: You care for a rose carefully and delicately so you may present this gift unharmed, untouched. Your purity, in the same way, is a gift worth nurturing and protecting. And so is Dana's. Remember: The virtues are inseparable. You have both made commitments to restrain yourselves. Don't sacrifice your faithfulness to one another for the feeling of the moment -- however pure it may seem.

Finally, love identifies with the one loved. You're willing to share her experience -- even if that means doing something uncomfortable. Let's say Dana likes country music. I've always tried to steer around the stuff, as I know you have. But to know her (and this knowing is an important concept) you must be able to identify with her.

How can you know Dana if you avoid -- because of your own self-interest -- something that defines who she is? Her affinities reveal her thoughts and her character: If those are not important to you then you're in the wrong business. We cannot love someone unless we know them. We cannot love someone fully unless we know them fully. It's true, that's a tall order. But a date spent two-stepping to Garth Brooks would be a great start.

Looking at those four characteristics, there's one common denominator. Love, ultimately, involves self-sacrifice. The elevation of self is the great enemy of love (Vanauken). And should this surprise us? The core of our Father's love -- the way we know He loves us --is His Son's supreme sacrifice. The multiple traits of love we've discussed all reflect self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice often involves pain. Yet don't forget the Divine paradox: When you give, you'll get.