Don't ever get the chicken pox if you can help it.

I just got over "the plague" this week. Well, I wasn't really that sick, and they didn't really itch that much. The really bad part of having chicken pox was just the fact you couldn't get out. All I did was watch television.

I wish I hadn't watched television. You see, I think I saw every infomercial ever created. OK, they are pretty cheesy -- I'll give you that. But what really bothers me about these shows is that they always try to sell us stuff we don't need.

This one show was selling some nicer-slicer-dicer thing that could chop up anything ranging from tomatoes to baseball bats. So this guy went ballistic slicing up things left and right, and at one point he sliced about 10 onions in about a minute.

"Wow," said that yes-we'll-act-like-idiots-on-cue studio crowd. But not me. I stood up on my couch and screamed at the TV set.

When the hell would you have to slice up 10 onions in a minute? I like onions, but unless I'm planning to go into the restaurant business anytime soon, I think a sharp knife will do the job pretty well. No, I don't need stinky plastic gadgets sold by actors with fake British accents! I want real inventions -- inventions that would solve some really big problems. You know, inventions like . . .

The extra-step finder. Have you ever tried to go up or down steps in the dark? I do it all the time, and you know, I don't think I'm getting any better at it. You see, I always keep forgetting how many steps there are. I'm either one short or one over, but either way, I look like a total moron because of it.

If you're going down it usually ends up in a face plant at the bottom of the steps. (Happens to me at least once a year.) If you're going up, you do this one huge I'm-walking-on-the-moon step at the top before realizing you look like a total goober. Either way, you're just glad the light's out so nobody saw it. We need an invention to stop this tragedy.

Sidewalk collision avoider. As humans we've done some cool stuff. We put a man on the moon. The Russians put a dog into space. We even put Ronald Reagan in the White House. But we still have no idea how to pass someone who is coming at us on a sidewalk.

This is usually the scenario. You're walking along, and ahead, you spot your enemy coming at you. You start to drift to the right, but as you do, you see the enemy move in the same direction. Time is running out -- you break left --so does she. Right, left, it doesn't matter. No matter which direction you move, so does she.

Finally, when even a credit card wouldn't fit between you and the oncoming pedestrian, you have a mental breakdown and leap off the sidewalk screaming. Come on! Can't someone create some rule or device to help out here?

Zipper alarm. If your zipper goes down, let's say, halfway, an alarm would go off. (You'd have an earphone on or something.) This way you'd know when your zippy is low. One day when I was putting my jammies I noticed that my fly was running low, I mean, Mr. Z was touching bottom. He could have been down all day for all I know.

Hey jealous boyfriends, the zipper alarm could come in handy. Just put in some long distance alarm, and whamo, you know when Ms. E.Z. is zipping or un-zipping around some guy's apartment.

Here are some other inventions that I think would come in handy. How about a heated toilet seat? I'd shy away from the electric models myself, but something could be worked out.

How about a device to let you smell yourself? It seems that I'm the last person to find out that a.) Tony needs to put on some deodorant or b.) Tony's breath is illegal in 13 states. For some reason, I'm impervious to my own stench. That invention would come in pretty handy.

You see, this world is full of inventions that seem pretty neato, but really serve no purpose. It seems that all of our great minds are trying to discover a better sit-up machine or a gadget that will open up your soda without breaking a nail.

We need to forget about all those useless things. We need to be practical. Now, if I could just invent some gadget to tell me when my columns stink, then I'd be in business.