As a columnist, I get a lot of strange mail. People write to me expressing thoughts ranging from column ideas to death threats. But by and large, most of my letters are from people who are looking for help. They want to know how to read a column.

Well, today is your lucky day.

This column is devoted to the art of reading a column. I figured it'd be easier than answering all my mail.

Question. Tony, if I want to form an opinion about a column or a columnist, do I actually have to read the column?

Answer. Usually, I don't answer stupid questions, but I will this time. Absolutely not. Never. You do not, under any circumstances, actually have to read a column to form an opinion.

What I like to do is just ask someone I know. An example would go like this. "Hey, did you read Tony's column?" Then the person says something like, "Yes, and it really stunk." There you go. You now know all you have to know to write a letter to the editor.

Question. Tony, how would you go about writing a letter to the editor?

Answer. Well, just read the headline and maybe the first couple of paragraphs to form an opinion of what the writer means. If you don't want to do that, just look back at question one. Then go ahead and write your letter.

Usually, the meaner the letter is, the better. By no means talk about what the columnist wrote. It's much more effective to make personal attacks or go off on a tangent that the columnist never discussed.

Also, never try to actually call up or e-mail a columnist to discuss a column. Generally columnists are mean and will either hang up on you or be really rude. If you ask around, you will find that most columnists try to find whoever disagrees with them and hurt them really bad.

A trick I have to avoid the violence was switching my phone number and e-mail address. My number is not really 862-1364 and my e-mail address is not AWD101atPSU.EDU. It's just a big trick! Hahahahaha.

Question. Do columnists mean exactly what they write?

Answer. Yes they do. Exactly what they write. Columnists will never use satire, humor, hyperbole or hidden messages. For example, if I write that men are totally superior to women, that's exactly what I mean. In no way would I imply that men and women are equal, and thus the sexism and domination of men is ironic. I'm too stupid to write a column like that.

Question. Tony, if I am actually going to sit down and read the column, how should I go about it?

Answer. First of all, I really don't recommend that you do this, but if you do, these are my guidelines.

First really read the headline. You can learn everything from the headline. Reading any more is a waste of time. If you have to, just read the first few paragraphs and stop.

But if you have to read on, just skim the column. And by no means, do not, I repeat, do not read the column twice under any circumstances. This will only confuse you. Do not ponder the columnist's ideas. Usually, your gut reaction is the correct one.

I know that this column sounds a little preachy, but I'm not trying to be. I realize that 95 percent of this campus already know these simple rules, but every semester I am amazed at the number of people who still haven't learned them.

And do you know what the great thing is? This form of reading works for anything. Books, editorials, textbooks and even religious writings fall under this category. That's the beauty of my system of reading. It lets you read much more material and learn it much more quickly.

So before you sit down to a read the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Collegian or the Lionhearted (wherever you are) you might want to keep this column in mind.

So there you have it. I hope my guide will help you in future reading. It should make reading columns a pleasurable experience -- heck -- you might even want to cut it out and hang it on your microfridge for future reference.

But then again, I wouldn't recommend that you refer back to columns. Columnists never have anything good to say anyway.