I believe that things are the way they are because of natural causes and nobody can justifiably blame someone or something else for what goes wrong in his or her life.

However, after reexamining my own life I have come to a conclusion -- I am the perfect excuse for all of civilization's shortcomings.

Now, when I say that I am the reason, I mean moreover that people's stereotype of me is their excuse for why things happen the way they do.

Let me explain:

I am a white male, so naturally everything is my fault.

My ancestors obviously owned slaves and set the ground rules for the "way the world works" so that only white males could survive.

I have used my will to push all non-white peoples into the minority where they would learn to hate and fear "the white man." I have pushed Native American peoples off their spiritual land, I have alienated Asians, I have done it all.

But that is not all that makes me everyone's justification for society's faults. I am also Jewish by birth, so I must follow certain stereotypes that have been attributed to Jews.

I must be very wealthy and only drive the perfect cars. (BMWs and Benzs, right?)

Hey, guess what else. I'm a Democrat.

The entire country's downfall has been my fault. I voted for Bubba and his wife, and I will vote for them again in '96.

While I am a Democrat tried and true, I did vote for Ridge and Santorum last November.

So along with ruining the country when the Dems were in power, I also helped put the GOP in control -- all my fault.

Wait, there's more. I am a member of the media and, as everybody knows, the media are a group of heartless, petty, egotistical, repulsive creatures.

Nobody in the media cares about people's feelings or the effects of articles, right?

But I am even hated by certain members of the media itself. Why would my fellow journalists turn on me? Because I am "not a real journalist." I am a sports journalist.

"Nobody cares about sports," they tell me. "It's not real news, dummy," they say.

But if that is so, why were some of the most talked-about stories of the past year sports-related? Guess what people, O.J. was a football player! And although the only bigger story may have been the new(t) Republican regime, what is its first order of business? Ending the baseball strike!

So that's who I am. A white, Jewish, Democratic male sports journalist.

And because of how I was born and what I have grown to enjoy, people automatically hate me.

If you want to blame me for your grades or your inability to find a job, go ahead. If you think it's my fault some certain person will not return your calls, you're probably right.

Perhaps 100 years ago people exactly like me were thought of as gods among men. Today, I am ostracized because of who I am.

And I love every minute of it.