You are all mindless sheep.

All of you.

If you don't accept this you will never understand. It took me a while, but I have finally come to realize the government knows best. If everyone puts their lives in the government's hands, this country would be a better place.

For years I have been saying the American people are not idiots. They can control their own lives and money better than the government. I was wrong, and I apologize for thinking the way I did. The public is ignorant and stupid. Socialism, my friends, is the key. The closer we get to socialism, the better off we are.

See, President Clinton and his wife are trailblazing across the country with their message of giving the people what they deserve. What do we deserve, you ask? Well, among other things, we deserve health care. The Clintons' health care plan must pass in order to save our nation.

Our founding fathers were under the impression that government should be limited. "Power corrupts" was the belief. They were wrong. Government is the answer to everyone's problems. Need money? Ask the government, they can take it from the heartless citizens who dare to make more money than you.

Remember when John F. Kennedy said "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country"? What a crock that was. Everyone should ask what the U.S. government can do for them.

Remeber the Los Angeles riots? When there were people crying in the street because they couldn't get their welfare checks? That was because they couldn't get what they had coming to them from the government.

I was so cruel when I used to think the government should stay out of our lives. The homeless, the inner-city strife, the high unemployment rate, the Bush recession, they were all my fault. Not me individually, but me combined with all the greedy Republicans like me. The government should be there to help fix what I have helped destroy.

Don't believe it when the Republicans claim it is social spending, not the military, that causes the deficit. How can helping the elderly, the homeless and the unemployed create the deficit? It is socially redeeming, it can't possibly have any negative repercussions.

That is why health care should be supported most among the Clintons' policies. Health care is a right, and making government more entrenched in our lives is not a drawback, but a bonus.

Now, a lot of you conservatives might be wondering why I have had a change of heart, and you liberals are probably shocked since you thought conservatives didn't have a heart. Well, I have learned to overlook certain facts, and you will too, in order to see the light on health care and programs like it.

You have to forget the beauracratic waste of government. The fact that there are more people in the Department of Agriculture than there are farmers in the United States means nothing. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry that socialism has failed everywhere it has been tried. Socialist countries around the world are abandoning it to start systems similar to the United States. Also forget that Canada and Sweden's health care programs are going bankrupt. Canada's doctors are given unpaid vacations because the government does not have enough money to pay them, but don't give it a second thought.

See, this time it is being tried by the right people. This time the government cares enough to make it work. That is the key. This time they really mean it.

It is also important to ignore all the conservatives and the cheap-shot facts they keep using.

The main fact is the so-called "fatal flaw" of all socialist programs. Supposedly, if people don't have to pay, they will go see their doctor more often. People won't exploit the system that way, that would be wrong.

Also ignore them when they draw comparisons to other government programs. They like to use Medicare most often. When Medicare started in 1965 it cost $3 billion. It was projected to cost $9 billion in 1990. It actually costs $67 billion. The most conservative estimates place a $223 billion dollar price tag on Medicare by 1997. But that was Medicare. This time it will be different. This time the projections will hold true.

Last, but not least on this list of things you have to forget in order to support health care, is price controls. Just becuase they cause inflation, higher costs, a decrease in quality, and less investment into research and development is no reason to dismiss them. They make drugs and services stay at a price everyone can afford, and that's good.

So you see, my fellow sheep, government is the answer. Nationalized health care will benefit everyone. Once we get that, we can ask the government for something else. Never forget, the government exists to provide benefits for you. Take advantage of that every time you can.

A lot of you who read my columns regularly are probably wondering if I am serious. The purpose of this column is dead serious. It's all a matter of people seeing the light.