Why is it that every vacation plan looks oh-so-fantastic on paper, but then when you actually put it into action it, well, never seems to work out as smoothly as you thought it would? You know, like when you and your friends decide to drive to somewhere about, oh, I don't know, 1,800 or so miles away, and everything that you overlooked when plotting out the excursion comes back to haunt you?

That was my spring break this year. Three of my friends and I decided to head to New Orleans and Houston for our break. Feeling very Thelma and Louise, we thought we could just pick up and fly by the seat of our pants (not literally, unfortunately) and head south. Armed only with a AAA TripTick and a pocket flashlight, we set out on our journey, and managed to encounter almost every traveling travesty on the planet. Since I came out of the ordeal alive, I feel qualified to provide this handy collection of TRIP TIPS for the car traveler.

1. Watch the Weather Channel before you leave. There's a trick to this, however. Try not to get so caught up in checking your destination's 7-day forecast that you overlook the weather at home sweet home. My merry band of travelers did just that -- we were in such euphoric anticipation of the sunny skies of the south we sort of missed the forecast for 26-plus inches of snow in State College. We also missed the memo that the Penn State parking lots wouldn't be cleared until the second coming so we ended up using buckets and bowls to clear the car out of hip-deep snow in order to depart on schedule.

2. Take care of all maintenance procedures before leaving. Get air in the tires, oil in the engine and gas in the tank before take off. If you wait on this, a minor disaster might sneak up on you, which is bad enough during the day, but even worse at 3 a.m. in the middle of nowhere after everyone in the car has recounted in vivid detail the scariest movie scenes they have ever seen.

3. Bring Tapes. Lots and lots of tapes, compact discs, whatever -- just make sure you have tons of stuff to listen to. Disregarding this tip can have many harmful repercussions, many of which might result in temporary or permanent insanity. For one thing, without tapes, you are subjected to the brutality of seeking out new radio stations every 30-40 miles. What's more, even when you do score a station that isn't country or gospel, you are doomed to a lineup of Top-40 hits that would drive even the most diehard mallchick to the brink of insanity.

Even once-cool songs become tormentation when heard one too many times. Case in point: "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows. I used to like this song -- before I heard it 100 times in a 24-hour period. By the end of the trip, I could be unconscious, drooling all over myself in the fourth stage of REM sleep, and I would still chime in with the line "Mr. Jones and me, stroll through the barrio."

4. Overestimate, overestimate, overestimate. Overestimation is key here. Whenever someone tells you someplace is "not too far" or a map gives estimated hours of travel, make sure you tack on about 15 minutes to a half hour for each mile to allow for getting lost, getting gas and getting mad when you realize the person who gave you directions didn't know what the heck he was talking about or that you miscalculated the distance by reading the map scale in inches instead of centimeters.

5. Make sure you have stuff to do. Don't even think you're going to take in the scenery or sleep for the duration of the trip. That stuff loses its appeal after about 25 minutes. We were so desperate for entertainment and a break from the "Mr. Jones" sing-a-longs that we resorted to reading pages of YM aloud by the light of our pocket flashlight. Not only did we get lots of cool hair and makeup tips, but we also gave each other insightful and informative YM quizzes to find out "Are You Boring" or "Do you Like Dirtball Guys." To avoid a similar fate, take my advice -- pack cards, crosswords, crayons, even the Travel Yahtzee -- but make sure you've got entertainment for the road.

6. Air freshener. That's right, air freshener. After 24 straight hours of travel, not only does one's body emanate less than lovely aromas, there is also the small matter of the gastrointestinal eruptions which happen to everyone from time to time that should be taken into consideration. If you think these little "passages" are bad in open spaces, just imagine being cooped up with them in a Toyota. You'll need all the fresh air you can get, so bring along the Lysol.

7. Make sure you remember your sense of humor and patience. Driving (or just riding) in a car for any extended length of time is a challenge. Things go wrong. Turns go wrong. Wheels blow off Mack trucks in front of you and crash into your windshield . . . it's all part of the experience. There's an old saying, "Getting there is half the fun," and you know what? It's a bunch of crap. Next year, save yourself the hassle and follow tip number eight for a fun roadtrip: Buy a plane ticket and fly instead!