Two sets of parents meet in a dank restaurant. Money changes hands. A long legal agreement of marriage is signed. Veiled boy weds veiled girl the next day. Girl finds hideous boy in wedding bed. A typical Indian arranged marriage setup, right? Not really -- not any more, at least. Let me explain . . .

As India moves toward becoming a modern capitalist country, its arranged marriage system has been in a state of flux. Western love and Eastern traditions sometimes conjugate, but also sometimes clash. One thing's for certain, their interaction does bring interesting, if not quite confusing dilemmas for today's Indian families.

Back in ancient India there was an interesting tradition of "Swayamvar." A Swayamvar was basically a contest held by the father of a nubile daughter. It was usually a lavish affair, held only by kings and rich landlords. Princes and young noblemen would come from far-off lands to try for the lady's hand.

The contests usually involved archery challenges or other feats of bravery and skill. In fact, some religious epic works mention some really neat Swayamvars presented directly by the gods. The winner of the challenge would be deemed suitable to marry the king's/nobleman's daughter.

Interestingly, Swayamvars parallel some Western traditions too. The competition (involving caskets) to win the hand of Portia in Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice could indeed be called a Swayamvar!

India's traditions have dictated that it is the parents' responsibility to find a suitable match for their child. Until a few decades ago, parents would generally visit the homes of other parents of the same caste and economic background and try to determine whether a match would be compatible. The children were sometimes, but not always, allowed input as well.

Children were usually in their teenage years when they were married off. It is true that some marriages were arranged for children who were only infants at the time; in such cases, a sort of engagement ceremony was performed with the infants and the marriage followed 10 or 12 years later.

Women have been treated very unfairly under the arranged marriage system. During these times of childhood marriages, it was customary for men to have two, three or even four wives. But, women were only allowed to marry once. Also, widowers were allowed to remarry, but widows weren't.

Admittedly some of these traditions do continue in some backward, rural areas of the country; but for the most part, they are things of the past.

In an interesting piece in the Hindu epic Ramayana, a major God (Rama) extols the virtues of monogamy. This became the foundation for an important law -- the Hindu marriage act -- which was passed around the time of India's independence from Britain in 1947. This act made monogamy the rule for Hindus and was a big step forward for women's advancement in India.

The monogamy law had other major effects as well. Slowly, but surely, children were given more of a say in marriage matters, and they began waiting longer (now until their mid-twenties or so) before getting married. Even the number of so-called "Love Marriages" began to pick up.

This was reflected and reinforced by Indian movies -- the most popular form of mass entertainment. Almost all movies in the '70s and '80s had romantic plots. And yes, romance became more and more accepted, especially by the new young generation.

By now, I return to India and find that many of my cousins' teenage friends are quite open about having girlfriends and boyfriends. High school and college life in India is slowly becoming much like it is in the West.

Nowadays, parents are in essence playing advisory roles: Networking socially, advertising in matrimonial columns and looking out for suitable matches. For the most part, sons and daughters respect this and cooperate in the "search." Usually, the youths decide to "date" for a few months (to see if they can get along for life!), before giving a final OK to their parents. It continues to remain very important for Indians that parents and close relatives are in approval of a marriage.

The sense of marriage as an institution is still a little different in India. A close friend of mine recently gave a speech on arranged marriage and summed this up best by saying, "In the West, you marry who you love; in India, you love who you marry." Marriage is a serious commitment and couples are really good about learning to love even someone who may be a relative stranger. In fact, the divorce rate in India is still below 3 percent.

On the other hand, when a teenager has a girlfriend or boyfriend, parents are sometimes well aware of it. But, since teenage romance is something new to India, it is often kept hidden from parents. So parents are sometimes caught "keeping their eyes open" when their kids would wish otherwise. This conflict can indeed be hard to resolve (the element of romance puts quite a twist into the arranged marriage system).

Indians continue to be a little bewildered about how to reconcile tradition and modernity, especially on such a sensitive issue as marriage. It is interesting to wait and see how the situation evolves.