In keeping with the journalistic tradition of a sports medium creating meaningless, self-serving awards, we here at the Hillmeyer Institute of Lower Learning have come up with our own awards to celebrate the most memorable sports moments of the past 12 months. So without further ado, let's announce the winners of the first annual HILLY Awards:

The Marv Levy, Susan Lucci, Anthony Young, "Winning Isn't Everything" Award to American luger Duncan Kennedy. Kennedy, a favorite to medal at Lillehammer, skidded off the track during his final run and finished eighth. Take heart Duncan, every Winter Olympics has to have two things: winners and lugers.

The Rodney King "Can't We All Just Get Along?" Award to former Phillies Mitch Williams and Curt Schilling for their war of words after the World Series -- a verbal battle that was not quite the equal of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. A sampling: (disclaimer: they did not actually say any of the following)

Schilling: "If my dog pitched like you, I'd shave his head and teach him to pitch right-handed."

Williams: "There are two kinds of people in the world Curt, smart fellers and fart smellers. And Curt -- you ain't smart."

The "Rutgers at Newark Campus Suddenly Doesn't Sound So Bad" Award to former Penn State quarterback John Sacca who was so disgusted at his lack of playing time last fall that he transfered to Western Kentucky. Sacca's departure sent a wave of grief through Happy Valley, the likes of which have not been seen since 1992, when The Thompson Twins removed their name from consideration as a Regatta Band.

The "Well, Can I At Least Chew Tobacco In Here?" Award to Phillie Lenny Dykstra for his January argument with Senator Earl Baker in a posh restaurant. The battle ensued when Baker chided Dykstra for using loud and vulgar language while Baker was dining at a nearby table. "Nails" then attacked Baker for his stance on corporate-taxes, saying such "Hooverian" thinking has been outdated since World War I. No wait, Dykstra said something about Baker's mother.

The Uni-Mart Convenience Stores, "Highest Prices" Award to broadcaster John Madden who recently signed a four-year $32 million contract with the Fox network. Actually, it does, because Fox's advertisers will have to raise the prices on their products. You can thank Fox for that, just as you can thank them for "The Chevy Chase Show."

The John Wayne Bobbit "Don't Touch That Thing!" Award to Dallas Cowboy Leon Lett for touching a blocked Miami field-goal attempt last Thanksgiving. Lett's faux pas allowed Miami another chance for the kick that eventually won the game. If things don't work out for Lett in football, he could have a future in the Savings & Loan business. Remember, Charles Keating wasn't supposed to touch that money either.

The "How Can We Miss You When You Just Won't Go Away" Award to Michael Jordan. Jordan is apparently trying to fulfill some clause in the Nike Constitution stating that the company must have at least two, two-sport pitchmen in their employ at all times. Why else would he try out for the White Sox? He doesn't actually think he can hit Major League pitching does he?

The "I Coulda Been A Contender!" Award (or The Tonya Harding Award) to Phoenix Cardinals Coach Buddy Ryan. In early January, when Ryan was the Houston Oiler's defensive coordinator, he punched offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride during a game. This is the second consecutive offensive play caller Ryan has either punched or threatened to punch. Kind of makes you wish Buddy would hire Evander Holyfield as Phoenix's offensive coordinator.