Beavis and Butthead speak of it as "spanking the monkey." Others call it "choking the chicken" or even "waxing the dolphin." But what do all these phrases have in common, aside from inciting fury in the hearts of animal rights activists? They all refer to a deed shrouded in shame and silence -- masturbation.

Naturally, no normal man would actually admit to performing such a dastardly deed -- or would he?

Strangely enough, I recently stumbled across just such a man -- "Jack", if you'll pardon the pun. Jack is actually a composite of 10 young men who openly confess to committing the crime of masturbation. And I know they speak the truth, because 80 percent of them wear glasses or corrective lenses. But before we convict these men for their perverted personal acts, let's take some time to re-evaluate their sexual situation.

First of all, we must realize we belong to a very sexually charged society. Yet Jack seldom experiences the satisfaction of steady sex. In addition to this lack of release for his sexual tension, Jack undergoes continual taunting through his constant exposure to sensual stimuli from all sides. The newstands flaunt nudity. The television touts titilation. And the big screen sizzles with sexuality.

Yet probably the most memorable masturbation moment has occurred on the silver (or should I say Sliver) screen. This came about -- literally -- at the hands of Sharon Stone in her "steamy" solo-sex scene. "I love it! It turns me on and I can see how good it makes her feel!" ejaculates Jack at the thought of women who masturbate. And Jack is far from solitary in his opinion. "Jill" also admits to evoking a certain satisfaction from watching her own boyfriend do the deed.

Yet despite the recent trend toward portraying masturbation in the media, men who do so continually suffer the effects of the attached stigmatism (not to be confused with astigmatism). However, with unresolved sexual tensions rising, and no immediate outlet in sight, save insanity, the alternatives can appear limited. According to Jack, "Any man who tells you he doesn't masturbate lies." But before we declare all men perverts, let's listen to Jack's testimony and try him for ourselves.

Jack openly admits to indulging in this auto-eroticism an average of two to three times per week. This coincides with the habits of the average married couple, who attest to having sex equally as often. Yet, Jack also admits to having engaged in more frequent bouts of self-satisfaction -- up to as many as six times in one day -- when the act still presented a novelty. This doesn't differ drastically from that wonderful institution known so nostalgically as the honeymoon.

Jack also remains relatively ritualistic in his execution of the act. Rather than revelling at the prospect of a plethora places, Jack confines his experience to a select few areas. These mainly include the bedroom, the bathroom stalls and the shower of his residence (Although Jack has been known to resort to the resources of Pollock Library's bathroom cubicles). Certainly none of these locations present a particularly pernicious picture.

Jack also exhibits this same repetition in regard to his religious use of his right hand. "I definitely use my right hand. The right hand knows all the moves. My left hand is like a virgin; I don't want to take the time to break it in. Besides, if I use my right hand, my left hand gets jealous." In an age where people change sex partners more frequently than underwear, this faithfullness which is so seldom found should be commended rather than criticised.

Movies, the wonderful medium which aided in eradicating the silence surrounding masturbation, also carries the resposibility for its misrepresentation. Contrary to the image evoked by the Silence of the Lambs' infamous sperm-flinging scene, Jack fastigiously disposes of any incriminating evidence. "You can't just throw semen across the room. It might hit the T.V. or something." Instead, Jack prefers to utilize the immediate resources at hand consisting of either toilet paper or a shower.

And Jack's cleanliness goes beyond the skin-deep. It further extends to his Sexually Transmitted Disease status. It only stands to reason that if he doesn't have one, he can't give it to himself. Compared to the abounding popularity of promiscuity, masturbation presents a means of preservation for both a man's virginity and health. Thus, it becomes reasonable for women to seek rather than shun such a man -- for more reasons than one.

According to Jack, masturbation also serves as more than a means of providing pleasure for himself. It also provides pleasure for his prospective partner by inceasing his longevity. As Jack attests, "It helps your stamina. Valentine's Day, my girlfriend said something to the effect of 'You lasted longer than I did!' I think it was due to the masturbation."

So there it is. Men who masturbate are not hopelessly horny perverts afterall. Rather, they are merely endeavoring to cling to their sanity in a world sated with sexuality -- at least until something better comes along.

"Masturbation -- it's worth it. But I'd give it up at any point for a nice, clean, healthy woman" intimates Jack. A man with that attitude deserves a hand.