Ronald Reagan, we need you.

If only you were still napping in the Oval Office, none of this would be happening -- none of this, I tell you. Only this draft-dodging, slick-speaking, slow-jogging, no good cheating-on-his-wife Willie Clinton would let this tragedy take place. Only this political weeble-wobble would let the unthinkable take place. Penn State is being taken over by Communists.

That's right fellow God-fearing, gun-toting, GOP card-carrying Americans! You thought Hillary was bad?! Commies are at our doorsteps. Pinkos. Reds. Bolshies. Call them what you will, but no matter how you stereotype and degrade them, they're here.

But be warned. This isn't Communism you can just reach out and touch. You will not hear these Marxists rattling off terms like Dictatorship of the Proletariat, five-year plan, or slogans such as "To work is to live," or "For the Motherland." No, you'll have to look for this slime, but believe me, you'll find it. You just have to know where to look.

Everyone thinks Communism is about public ownership, everyone working as hard as they can and only taking what they need. Yeah, right. Communism is only about three things: Lines, useless jobs and leaders with one name.

Lines. Bread lines. You know what I'm talking about. But the ex-Soviet Union didn't have those lines because of poor planning or food shortages. Nope. The whole thing was intentional. They figured if everyone was in a line all day, no one would have any time to start revolutions or complain about those funny hats they wear all year.

Well, Penn State has lines for everything. We have lines for getting tickets, getting food, getting out of the library, getting cured (Waitenhour), getting beer, getting books, selling books and they'll even make us stand in line to get our diplomas that cost us over $25,000. Oh, and could you imagine what the lines would be like if the sperm bank would permit anyone to "deposit?"

This is phase one for the CCC. (That's the Centre County Communists, for your information.) They figure when they actually take power, we'll all be used to their little lines already.

Useless Jobs. Another main component of Communism is this idea of total employment, which, when it boils down, just means there will be a bunch of useless jobs. Ever since I found out about the Communist plot, I've been noticing them everywhere.

In the HUB eateries for example, there's that first person who just asks what kind of bread you want your hoagie on, and then they slap on the mayo or mustard (or both if you're really gross). Then they pass your order 3.14 feet down the line to meat-man. Then on to veggie-man. Then to is-this-for-here-or-to-go man. Then you have that last person who runs your card through the point-muncher. Something tells me if Donald Trump were in charge, some of these people would be hitting the streets.

But there's more! Oh yes, there's more.

Does that "bag-checker" at the exits of the dining halls really do a useful job? I recently ate at a major restaurant chain in the Mid-West (I won't say which) that has totally stocked their silverware from stuff stolen from Waring Commons alone. I figure I could have smuggled enough food out to have started my own food bank. It's enough to make a Capitalist cringe.

Leaders with one name. History has proven that if you are to be a really successful Communist leader, you have to have one name with two syllables. Tito. Stalin. Lenin. Gorbachev tried Gorby, but it was too little, too late.

But who at Penn State fits this criteria? President Thomas you might think. Yes, Joab is two syllables long, but anyone who knows anything about communism would know he isn't a commie. Why? The southern accent. Enough said. But then it hit me like a Soviet SS-18. Who really has all the power in the Happy Valley? No, not Mike the mailman. Not even the beer distributors. All the power rests in one man. Joepa.

One name. Two syllables. OK, the New York accent can throw you, but believe me, he's a commie. Just look at the facts. He controls an army of 18 to 23 year olds. He has an air force. (Come on, Collins had a good bowlgame.) And just like the Red Army, his forces roll over strong defenses on the ground. (Ki-Jana for Heisman -- sorry Kerry.)

His offense isn't hi-tech, but it gets the job done. His players' jerseys are bland and have no name -- there is no individual. All is for the Motherla, uh, I mean, the team. And I do believe -- and you can look this up -- the Lion's original colors were black and PINK!

Communists leaders rule until they, well, reach the worker's paradise. Joepa might just do that if we don't win a Rose Bowl pretty soon. But I can hear you out there. "Hey, Joe spoke for President Bush when he was here on campus. How can you call him a pinko?" Easy. He was brainwashed. He had to be. But I think they brainwashed the football cheerleaders as well. "Fight on State." "Let's go State." Come on! Simple cheers or brainwashing chants? You tell me.

So what's next? Well, these commies want to solidify their gains here in Centre County. It's all part of their "Communism in one County" plan. Then maybe they'll go for a nerve center, like, I don't know, maybe Johnstown. But the question is not if, but when, and I think it will be soon.

So be ready Penn Staters. How can you help? Get a gun. A big one. Maybe join the Young Americans for Freedom or start lobbying for a Undergraduate Student Government militia. But for freedom's sake, do something.

Senator McCarthy was right. The bastards are everywhere.