Late nights used to be fun. Lonely hearts and old farts would curl around the tube, sucking down Godzilla flicks and commercials for Carvel's Cookie-Puss.

Now, Mothra kicked Godzilla's butt and Cookie-Puss melted. But a successor worthy of a dip in the Cesspool has emerged.

Behold the infomercial. Like Marlon Brando, commercials have gone bad . . . and gotten bigger. Lose weight, spray some hair and chat with a psychic, singin' Dionne Warwick.

Something is missing, some zip, some zing, some floss. So, we at the 'Pool humbly offer our infosuggestions.

Boom and Busts Bombshell Cindy Crawford cuddles with the latest in high-tech ordinance. Not recommended for small children or psychopaths.

spaMTV All Spam, all the time. MTV ham John Stewart models the versatile -- and affordable -- lunch meat 24-hours a day. Buy Spam to eat . . . and to wear. Plug into the pork.

The Nordicfloss Improve your pecs and dental hygene. Who said biceps and bicuspids don't mix?

The Republicizer Don't lift your own bodyweight, lift Rush Limbaugh's. The patented exercise machine works with real right-wing weight, with no rubber bands or bleeding-heart tax-and-spend economics. And it's easy on your national deficit, too.