Try to imagine a day so nice you need a putty knife to dislodge the bluebird guano from your shoulders. As you admire nature's wonders, you frivolously spoon cool, creamy ice cream into your open mouth, barely swallowing the previous mouthful before the next arrives. Oh no! Your ice-cream etiquette was sub-par, and so your negligence has been physically transformed into a throbbing ice-cream headache!

The irksome, culminating effects of excess ice-cream consumption are not unlike the torment evoked by a news story's over-coverage by the media. Fortunately, measures can be taken to alleviate the exasperation from experiencing a glut of reportings on a subject. You need not remain a passive piece of meat, enslaved by the mass media's vicious onslaught.

My extensive field experience in ice cream shoppes has taught me the consequences of a brain-freeze are temporary and superficial. When your head feels like it's about to detonate, you can shovel smaller portions of ice-cream into your eater, or you can simply put the ice-cream container down and walk away peacefully.

This principle, based on Oprah's second law of Gastrophysics (discomfort = volume x rate/temperature) can be applied to media blitzes. If you feel overwhelmed by media over-exposure, don't just complain about it -- stop paying attention to it. Better yet, discontinue purchasing that particular magazine or journal, and if others do the same, the publication will be forced to change its content. If no change is affected, your situation is none bleaker, and you can always adopt a different news forum as your information source.

In recent news, the Bobbitt chronicles received extensive media attention, particularly regarding the CNN and Court TV simulcast of the trial. The television cameras allowed my friends and I to watch the enticing events unfold in a style similar to how many soap operas are presented. Was the media's treatment of this story overblown? If so, the roots of this phenomenon do not lie solely in the media's domain, but can be largely traced to the motives that compel the public to embrace sensationalism, most notably boredom and escapism.

While many onlookers were fascinated by Lorena and John's saga, others wished the media would loosen their firm grip on this penis spree. Some asked, "What's the deal with everyone's Bobbitt fixation?" Many just winced, and said, "Ouch." With a certain degree of detachment, I can confidently conclude that its multitude of possibilities for further exploitation haven't nearly been exhausted. Yes, a lot was spoken about the unkind cut, but imagine what could have been said. . .

-- From the makers of Flowbee, the vacuum haircutter, and Instant Spacklemeal, the oatmeal that seals holes in damaged walls, we proudly present the patented Peni-guard! Attention men! No more sleepless nights, wondering if you will awake to find your member has parted. You can now rest comfortably and securely, knowing the Peni-guard, with its reinforced lining and laboratory-tested reliablity, will protect you from unwanted advances as you wear it through the night or during a nap. Order now, and you will receive a free velour carrying case, and a pair of "Premises Protected by Peni-guard" boxer shorts!

-- He was a studdering, abusive dotard who had a love for the finer things in life, such as beer. She was a thick-accented, volatile manicurist who had a yen for amateur surgery. When they got together, many zany, wacky antics followed. Announcing a new comedy/slasher film called Peter's End: Remains of the Penis, starring Anthony Hopkins as John Bobbitt and Emma Thomson as Lorena. This season, bring your family to a film that will leave you in stitches!

-- First, there was Disney World, where costumed rats reigned. Then, there was Sea World, an oversized restaurant lobster tank. Now, a new breed of family attraction centers has been created by the Oscar Meyer Corporation. Penisland, a newly erected amusement park featuring the Spinning Protective Cup Ride, Lorena's House of Cutlery Horrors, and plenty of hands-on exhibits. Plus, if you find a detached penis anywhere in the park, you get an extra day's admission -- free!

-- And now, commemorating John Bobbit's ordeal, Johnson & Johnson introduce a special kind of band-aid. . . nah, I won't finish this one.

The scary thing is some of these mock advertisements don't seem that different from what one might really see in our world where integrity and 50 cents will buy you a cup of coffee. But, you could have stopped reading this column at any time, and maybe some people did. The title itself could have prompted you to put this paper down, or at least turn the page.

You don't need to be a helpless target of the media. You can be an active, discerning connoisseur of published information, and therefore, you are responsible for what you read, watch and listen. The media surely cranks out a lot of trash, but the public is too receptive to garbage.

After all, we certainly did witness much ado about a penis. Be it not an organ of the body? Doth it not deserve dignity? Hath it not feeling? Alas poor penis, we knew ye well.