If there's one thing I hate more than meatloaf (the food or the vocalist, take your pick), it's computerized tests. Frantically, I searched for a number two pencil, since my exam was in less than an hour. I had a trusty number six with a full-bodied eraser on it, but alas, my test entries may not have registered if my pencil did not bear the ever so important sign of the deuce. I found a bookstore carrying the type of writing implement I so desired, and I asked one of the sales clerks for a price estimate.

"Um, you want to know how much the pencil costs? Well, the computers aren't working today, so I can't give you an exact price on that item unless I get the manager to look it up in Finneman's Price Guide to Wooden Office Supplies, which could take 15 minutes or so."

Quickly, I became aware of two things. Finneman ought to condense his price guide, and nearly everyone is getting too computer reliant these days. Today, computers are often used as a time saver to answer telephones -- "Please press one if you wish to speak with Grandma, press two to speak with Grandpa, and press three to schedule an appointment for a visit." Also, police have been getting trigger-happy with their computerized radar guns. Isn't it enough when a passing car creates a sonic boom to realize that it's traveling over the speed limit? In retaliation, motorists purchase computers in order to determine if law enforcers are also using computers. "I know that you know that I know that you know..." An especially extraneous member of the computer revolution is electronic mail.

This is not to say that E-mail doesn't have some practical applications. For instance, it is useful for sending notes to computer operators, such as "Down with Email!", or for relaying hexed electronic chain-letters. Also, it is a cheap means of communication for budget conscious students (it is covered by the semesterly computer fee), but E-mail's extremely impersonal nature makes it counterproductive.

The nonhuman factor makes it less likely that people will consider the implications of their actions when using electronic mail. Since the receiver of a message does not see the sender's picture, or even hear a voice, the sender feels a certain degree of anonymity, allowing for more whimsical acts that might not have been considered in other situations. It is too simple to merely have to press a button to affect someone across the country. The uninviting coldness of the digital screen separates one from the events that are taking place in the non-existent space of the internet. Have you heard about that guy who tried to trade his first born child for a Michigan football ticket using E-mail?

At least it is easy to master E-mail and internet applications, right? Nope. You must be well versed in function key definitions, XEDIT, servers, nodes, Gopher (wasn't he on the Love Boat?), Netnews and more. To really have a full command of E-mail, you'll have to claim it as your major, and possibly as your religion. I have about the same chance of reciting Hamlet in the "click language" as I do of firmly mastering E-mail.

But what about all the great things they say about E-mail? It can join the world in a global village! It gives everyone easy access to a wealth of information! It slices! It dices! So what if I can find out about the weather in Peru, or what the president said at a Cub Scout function? Increased information flow does not necessarily lead to an increase in public action.

Even if E-mail makes people more informed, who is to say how accurate the information is? It is much easier to change the facts in a computer database than in most other mediums. In this way, the internet's format lends itself to the presentation of biased blather. People could use computers for shady practices? Nah, couldn't be!

E-mail is even more useless when sending notes to friends. Receiving a note on the computer is slightly more personal than receiving a sweepstakes notice from Publisher's Clearing House, plus you don't get those nifty magazine stamps that can double as wallpaper. There is nothing that can replace the reassuring warmth of a friend's voice on the telephone or the comforting familiarity of the pen strokes in a birthday card from mom and dad. On the computer screen, emotion is replaced with regiment. Sentiment is inadequately attempted through flowing electrons forming drab, premade characters, void of any hint of human origins.

As if it isn't enough that the University reduces me to a student number, E-mail reduces me to a user identification code, and instead of being enrolled, I have an active account. Actually, it's not active at all, being that it exists only in the virtual machine. I think that the whole system is a "virtual mess."

Recently, the University announced plans to invest large sums of money into upgrading and expanding it's electronic information faculties. Couldn't there be better ways to allocate these funds, such as in scholarship grants, rather than squandering capitol on what is a waste of electricity and attention.

If society is headed on a one-way course down the information highway, I think I'll just get off on the next exit ramp. By the way, on my computerized test form, I used the number six pencil, and I did just fine. LOGOFF...