Hi! My name is Mikey and I'll be your columnist every other Wednesday for the rest of the semester. Before I actually start writing my opinion, I'd like to tell you what you won't be reading in my column. These subjects are those that I feel were totally overexposed by the media in 1993, so I'm saying "No More In '94!"
Although many of these persons, places, events, trials and whatnot may appear all over many of the other sections of this fine paper, I can personally guarantee you won't find 'em here:
1. The Lorena and John Bobbit Trials. OK, all right, the whole world knows she cut it off. What's the big deal? He got it back, didn't he?
2. Howard Stern and/or Rush Limbaugh. Wait -- aren't these guys supposed to be radio personalities? Then why are they on every television show, front page and magazine cover?
3. CBS losing NFL football to FOX. All right already! First of all, you would think that some sort of natural disaster occurred from all the news coverage it got -- was it really necessary to break into regular programming to announce this travesty? FOX isn't exactly public access -- they've got some big name stars. Maybe they can get the Bundys or the Simpsons on the sidelines along with Madden and Summerall.
4. Michael Jackson. Actually, make that all the Jacksons: Michael, Janet, LaToya. . . Wait! Where's Tito?
5. Barney. Why does everyone my age despise this creature? Sure, he's insipid, sappy and annoying, but let's not pretend our role models were much better. Since when are Bert, Ernie and Big Bird such stimulating conversationalists?
6. Michael Jordan. Yes, of course, I like Mike. Everyone likes Mike. But why does the man have to be in every McDonald's and Nike commercial -- even the ones totally unrelated to basketball? And now training camp with the White Sox? There's just one thing I want to know: When's the rap album coming out?
7. Gangsta Rap. !--#$%&*())(*&%$#--!--#$%&&*()(*&%$#--!--#$%&**()(*&%$##--!
8. Susan Powter. Come on, you know who she is. Infomercial queen of 1993 -- the skinny woman with the platinum-blonde crew cut who is on television 24/7 peddling her Stop the Insanity videos for 4 monthly installments of $19.95. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she lost weight. I'd be even happier if she'd lose her voice too.
9. Waif Models. Hi. I'm Emaciated. Have we met?
10. Beavis and Butthead. I really did like these guys, until they went commercial and did that video with Cher. They really sold out.
11. Shannen Doherty. Did anyone else notice that when she was on that show "Our House" her name was "Shannon" but on 90210 it became "Shannen?" Much more sophisticated and mature. Just like her, don't you think?
12. The Clinton's fashion faux pas. Hillary Rodham Clinton's bad hair and lack of fashion sense, Bill Clinton's bad hair and thunder thighs. I want the dirt on Socks. Where in the White House do they keep the litterbox?
13. The Seattle Grunge Look. Wait -- wasn't that Janet Jackson on New Year's Eve sporting plaid flannel and ripped jeans? Whoa, stick a fork in this one, it is done!
14. The Late Night Talk Show Battle. Why oh why do people open themselves up to public humiliation by trying to compete with David Letterman? The man is, was and always will be the king of late night.
15. Political Correctness. My opinion is not necessarily political nor correct.
There you have it! The 15 persons, events and issues I think we'd all be better off hearing a lot less about in 1994. If you have any more to add, feel free to write The Daily Collegian and let me know.
If not, you can sleep better at night knowing that at least once every two weeks you can open up to the Opinions page and not find one of the above topics mentioned.
