No doubt Lorena Bobbitt, the wife who made a nation shudder, and Nancy Kerrigan, media Golden Girl (or should that be bronze?), have been beseiged with offers to sell their stories for television. The Cesspool is tired of the usual made-for-TV fare and instead suggests some more imaginative ways for the two to exploit the televisual possibilities:

"Who's the Boss" alumna Alyssa Milano stars as a champion figure skater who forsakes life in the spotlight to solve murders -- and to perfect the triple axel. "Blossom" babe Joey Lawrence costars as the trainer sworn to protect her secret. "Hart to Hart" was never this much fun.

Daytime diva Susan Lucci stars as the wife who takes matters in hand after years of abuse. Mary Jo Buttafuoco makes her directorial debut, but ironically, reunites the couple at the show's end. La Lucci!

Wacky hijinks abound as Kerrigan, Bobbitt, The Menendez brothers, Heidi Fleiss, Amy Fisher and Shannen Doherty share a country house with each other and two TV cameras for three months. Our personal favorite is the epsiode in which a catfight ensues after Fleiss catches Kerrigan using her lip gloss. Plug in, if you dare.