Police love The Club! Car owners love The Club! The steering-wheel anti-theft device is a friend to all! Hell, why not make a Club for everything!

The latest round of Club commercials features two new products: The Club for Trucks, and The Door Club for the front door of a house. The household version is a small, brass gadget that keeps someone from stamping your front door down.

The Pop Cesspool is calling, folks. Especially because The Club has been spotted on cars that should be stolen. This summer there was a Yugo parked on Beaver Avenue that was sporting the colorful gadget. Yes, a Yugo.

What this all means is that some brilliant marketing study discovered that everyone who would buy The Club already has.

It didn't fit the big steering wheels of trucks, so they altered it. But a front door Club? There will probably be people who buy it to keep from having their houses stolen.

While they're at it, why don't they try these variations:

Leave 'em sittin' in the car while ya shop!

Used to be a chastity belt, but they caused chafing . . .

Nobody would have to guard it during Homecoming.

2 Live Crew would never go to court again.

You can actually park your bikes outside East Halls dorms, and they'll be there in the morning.