I want to talk about an old problem from a new direction. I am a feminist; I believe a woman has a right to choose to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. I have spent some time on the front lines of this issue -- writing about it, arguing with friends (some not so friendly), signing petitions and joining organizations, without really looking at my beliefs.

Seeing an article about the large number of abortions sought in this country last year caused me to re-examine this issue. Not in terms of changing my basic commitment to giving women the right and responsibility to make the choices that will affect their own lives, but in terms of our society's climate toward women and women's views of themselves.

We do not honor in ourselves our greatest blessing -- the ability to conceive, carry and deliver to the world a new human being. We do not honor it because our society shows us a different picture of what we should strive for, and what is valued.

The media present us with images of beautiful young women with perfect bodies and expensive clothes. They are shown running businesses, walking down the street with men falling at their feet, lounging by pools and bars surrounded by admirers, always with the right attitude, product, boyfriend or goals.

We get the message that to be successful is to be young, white, beautiful and rich. We are taught to value how we look and how attractive we are to men, and to equate our success as a woman in terms of how successful we are at being attractive.

Feminism has tried to counter that value system by offering women the opportunity to become successful in the world, to have aspirations and dreams, and to follow a path to a career and financial independence. This has caused an awakening of women everywhere to a sense of personal worth in our present society. It has resulted in a generation of young women growing up with the idea that they can develop their talents and become professionals in any arena.

The problem is that both of these views exist side-by-side, and compete not only with each other, but with another basic assumption of our culture -- that we will meet Prince Charming, get married, move into a large white house with a station wagon, have 2.5 kids and a dog.

Nowhere in our culture are we are validated as women or given a sense of what it means to ourselves, our families, our communities and our world for us to be fulfilled as women. It is time for us to work together to change this.

In the mad rush to have it all, we have pushed having children to something we will do when we have the time, the money or the next promotion. That is, if we are lucky enough to have made the choices that let us get an education and a good job.

When a pregnancy comes along unexpectedly, we are thrown into a crisis. We are faced with having a child, often alone, and putting all plans for education, career and our lives on hold. For many women, this has meant becoming a single parent, and entering the work force at whatever level they are able. For others it has meant getting an abortion, and living with the pain of a child lost.

We need to change our attitudes toward our bodies, to see them as the miracles they are. We need to view our sexuality as something so special and so personal that it is an act of love on the deepest level to give ourselves to someone.

We need to look at the person who is asking us for intimate relations, and ask ourselves, "Is this someone I would have a child with?" If the answer is no, then perhaps we need to ask ourselves why we are entertaining the idea of having sex with them.

The answer may be painful, for we have traditionally seen ourselves as valuable based only on what we give to another to take care of what they need -- often at our own expense. It is time for us to get off of this merry-go-round that never stops, and that never gets us close enough to grab the brass ring.

Women need to reach out to each other, to talk and to span the generations, not just in their own families, but by viewing themselves as sisters in the deepest sense of that word. We need to value our childbearing years as the gift they are, and to treat our bodies and our sexuality with a reverence for the joy, love and fulfillment only they can give us. We need to value ourselves before we can expect others to value us.

We cannot wait for the media to give this to us; they never will. We cannot wait for men to give us validation; they can't. We cannot look for forces outside of us for this; women must find a way to give this to themselves.

Women must find a way to value children and their roles as mothers again, not from the old world view, but from a new perspective, from a place of strength. When we find the value in our own sexuality and begin to have intimate relations only with partners with whom we have genuine relationships, we will begin to value ourselves -- and the chance of becoming pregnant in a bad situation is greatly reduced.

The number of unwanted pregnancies that result in abortion or single parenthood reflect how difficult it is to be a woman in this culture. It is evident that being female today often means making tough choices.

Only by changing the deep-rooted way we look at ourselves and each other will we be able to find a way to make the choices in our lives -- choices for better lives for ourselves and our children.