I have been under the influence of alcohol since I was 11-years-old.
No, I'm not an alcoholic -- my Mom was. I'm what is referrred to as an adult child of an alcoholic. National statistics indicate that one in eight of you are too.
We each have our own story. Some of you have dads who are never around, and only wander home when the bars close. Others grow up in homes where you and your mothers are regularly beaten, or worse, by your drunken fathers. Or, like me, your alcoholic mom may have been a loving person whom outsiders would have been shocked to discover was a lush. The stories may differ, but we all have a common bond.
And common problems.
The average "adult child" doesn't see those problems. After all, the problem is the alcoholic.
"If he would just stop drinking, everything would be great," you think.
As a kid growing up in a chaotic household you learned to be strong, to be a survivor. You never knew when you were going to have to step in and take over responsibilities abdicated by your inebriated parent. You managed to keep the family secret from the prying eyes of the neighbors. You held things together when everything around you was falling apart.
Four years ago, I never would have accepted that I had a problem; I sneered at those whiny books by children of alcoholics who complained that their parents screwed up their lives.
I ran my family's business when my father went home in the afternoons to deal with his drunken wife. After 10 years of practice, lying to customers to cover up her alchohol-induced mistakes was old hat. I was making great money. I never could seem to be able to finish any college course I started, and I had a severe food addiction, but I attributed those to character flaws, and the pressure I felt in dealing with Mom.
I repeatedly told her that I could solve those problems if she would just stop drinking.
She stopped -- when she died in May 1989. I hate to say it, but I didn't cry; I just breathed a sigh of relief.
For some reason, my life didn't magically get better. My father and I, who had always been allies against my Mom's drunkeness, began to fight more bitterly than ever. My weight ballooned up another 50 pounds. I knew that I hated my life, but I couldn't fathom the reason.
The revelation came when I hit rock-bottom one-and-a-half years ago. The woman that I thought I loved told me that she could no longer handle my constant anger, and she walked out. It was the biggest favor that anyone has ever done for me.
I knew I had to do something, so I started to see a therapist. He suggested that I attend meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics as a supplement. ACOA is based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Children of alcoholics share their experiences, discuss changing their lives, and give and receive support from others.
At my first meeting, I was shocked to discover that adult children of alchoholics often share certain traits: wanting to create a "normal" life, but being unable to because there is no frame of reference; having difficulty following through a project; constantly seeking approval and trying to fit in; difficulty having fun, especially in situations that involve spontaneity; having a short temper -- screaming fits are a regular event; and extreme loyalty, even when the loyalty is undeserved; a need for instant gratifications, which often manifests itself in compulsive behaviors.
This is only an abreviated list, and not everybody shares all of these characteristics.
The fellowship of ACOA cannot cure you by itself, it can only provide suggestions and the experiences of others in the same situation. It is hard work. Recognizing the origins of the problem is only half the battle, the real advantage is the support you get as you learn to take responsibility for your own life.
I can't say that my life is perfect, but at least I've lost the anger and the weight. I still have a way to go -- this is not an overnight process.
Membership in ACOA is completely anonymous -- nobody ever asked my last name the whole time I attended. And, while we're on the subject, I'd like to point out that I am not a spokesman for ACOA. Like all 12-step programs, it does not recruit, but lets people who want to be helped come to them.
In addition, though ACOA often meets in churches, it is not affiliated with any religious organization. Its funding comes solely from non-mandatory donations.
ACOA has four weekly meetings in State College. You can learn about their times and locations by calling the helpline at 238-5597. The Center for Counseling and Psychological Services in the Ritenour Health Center runs two ACOA groups, but they are filled for the semester.
A group like ACOA isn't for everybody, and there are other options. In addition to its ACOA groups, CAPS provides some counseling services. You can also get information from the Drug Education Program for Total Health in Ritenour.
If you're anything like I was, you probably won't do anything. Its hard to motivate yourself to change unless your life has become completely unmanageable. But do yourself a favor -- at least pick up one of the many good books on the subject. Not everybody who goes through the experience comes out with problems. But if you feel that something about your life just isn't quite right, you owe it to yourself to spend a couple of hours to learn to avoid the common pitfalls of the adult child of an alcoholic.
