Susan remembers wondering, and worrying, if her husband would come home from work and what kind of mood he would be in.

"He threatened to blow my head off," she said. "He does have guns so it was a very real threat."

Susan, who asked that her real name be withheld, described the eight years of her married life as a violent pattern. After her husband physically abused her a "honeymoon phase" sometimes followed.

"He would apologize a lot, or he might blow-up," she said. "It's very unpredictable."

But the physical abuse was not the full extent of it; he affected her emotionally as well. When she decided she wanted to go back to school he joked about it, saying "you'll never make it anyway."

After eight years, Susan, 35, decided to leave when her husband began to abuse their children.

"You'd kill somebody before you'd let anyone hurt your kids," she said.

It took her six months to leave, but she finally filed for divorce, although she never filed criminal charges. She sought help at the Centre County Women's Resource Center, 140 W. Nittany Ave.

Pam Shea, Women's Resource Center community education coordinator, said women have to leave their abusers to be safe but "if they decide to go back, we're there."

The Center for Women Students, 102 Boucke, provides services strictly for women enrolled in the University. They also offer educational programs on sexual assault to increase awareness.

Lori Garrett, a graduate assistant at the center, said center workers serve victims of rape, sexual assault and abusive relationships. She said women who have been raped often do not seek counseling because they sometimes blame themselves, especially when date rape occurs.

"I think there is a large population of people who don't know you can be raped by someone you know," said Garrett (graduate-counselor education).

This was the case for Jane, 37, a survivor of lesbian abuse.

"It started out on a first date. There was a lot of alcohol involved and there was a rape," said Jane, who asked that her real name be withheld.

As she became more involved in the relationship, Jane encountered both physical and emotional abuse. Since her abuser was proficient in martial arts, she often threatened to kill Jane instantly.

The relationship ended five years later when Jane's abuser left her. While Jane attended support groups at the Women's Resource Center, she received harassing phone calls from her.

"She let me know that she was watching my every move," Jane said.

Shea said about 50 percent of heterosexual relationships result in an abuse of power and that the percentage of homosexual relationships is similar.

"There is as much battering in lesbian relationships as in heterosexual relationships," agreed Jane.

Shea said although 95 percent of the total number of batterers are male, women involved in abusive lesbian relationships encounter the same situation --one partner tries to control the other.

Through the center's support groups, women can learn ways to be safe and to prepare themselves to leave their abusers. They help women devise escape plans, get their bags packed and give them a place to stay. Shea said research shows that it takes a woman five times to leave before she leaves permanently.

When a woman leaves her home, the center offers a safe place to stay for 30 days and helps her to find a new residence.

"It's not uncommon to go on welfare," Shea said, adding that some women often are isolated to the point that they can't work.

All of the center's services are free, and the facilities remain locked for the safety of the residents and staff. Many staff members are survivors of abuse themselves.

For Malinda, 33, abuse began in the home of her upper-middle class family. While she was growing up she remembers "my arm or leg hurt so much I couldn't play."

She went through two abusive relationships but always thought she could change her abusers.

"I thought if I loved him enough he'd change," she said.

Shea said it is common for a woman to become involved with more than one abuser because she may have low self-esteem and believe she should be treated that way.

"If you believe that you're not worth anything you're more likely to end up in an abusive relationship again," she said, adding that improving a woman's self-esteem is an integral part of recovery.

Malinda is now out of the relationships, but both of her children are living in foster homes, she said, "while I get straightened out."

Shea said all the women they help are considered survivors.

"It takes a tremendous amount of courage to wake up every morning in a relationship doing what they need to do to survive," she said.

The center provides a 24-hour hotline for anyone who wants to talk about or seek help from sexual assault or abuse. Call 234-5050.