I was walking to the HUB one day last semester when I bumped into my friend Scott.
"Hey Scott," I said. "Come with me to the HUB, and we'll donate blood."
"I can't now," he responded, passing me. "I'm baking something in the oven."
A few steps later, I realized that Scott's dorm room doesn't have an oven. (Sharp as a tack, aren't I?) I turned around, caught up with him and whined, "C'mon, Scott -- what do you stand to lose if you give blood?"
Scott was amazed at the stupidity of my question. "My blood," he said in the same slow, simple voice I use to address my one year-old cousin. Looking back on it, I should've seen that one coming.
Next week, the 10th annual Pitt-Penn State Blood Donor Challenge will take place on campus. As any 11th-year senior can tell you, this bloody (I had to say it) rivalry was created in 1982 to help offset the blood shortage that regional hospitals experience during the draining (I'm sorry) winter months.
PSU is currently leading the series 5-4, but Pitt won each of the last two contests and will tie us at five each if they donate more blood than we do this year. Frankly, I'm worried they might pull it off, especially if too many of us at Penn State think in the same vein (that's the last pun, I promise) as Scott and don't give blood.
The most common reason I hear for people not giving blood is that they think it will hurt. The strange thing about this is that most people I know regularly engage in very painful activities, such as ear piercing or watching Larry King on TV, and the discomfort of blood donation is negligible in comparison:
Me: "Hey, let's go give blood."
My editor: "Are you kidding? That would hurt."
Me: "Aww, it hardly even pinches. You're not scared of needles, are you?"
My editor (removing shirt): "Of course not! See? I had my old girlfriend's name tattooed across my whole upper body last year. I tried to burn it off with a lighter after we broke up, but I think it's permanent."
Me (turning pale): "Didn't that hurt?"
My editor: "You think that hurts? Heck, let me show you where I got my butt pierced. . ."
Though not always to this extreme, a lot of people do things every day that hurt more than giving blood. (Incidentally, a cheese grater is much more effective than a lighter for removing old tattooes.) Still, a lot of us are unconvinced that blood donation is worth our time. Because of this, only 4 percent of the eligible population gives blood, according to the American Red Cross. Kinda pathetic, huh?
In the interest of boosting the number of PSU donors, thus saving lives and -- just as importantly -- smashing Pitt into the dirt, I'd like to stress some positive aspects of participating in the Pitt-Penn State blood drives. Now, in the proud tradition of ripping off David Letterman (drum roll). . .
The top ten reasons to give blood in this year's Pitt-Penn State Blood Donor Challenge:
-- 10. It's a perfect chance to try out new pickup lines. ("Hey, look --you're bleeding! Come here often?") Remember, no matter how obnoxious you act, that cute blood donor lying on the next cot can't leave.
-- 9. Free eats. After you're finished, you just sit there and people walk up to you and give you free doughnuts. Certain world religions describe paradise in similar terms.
-- 8. It beats the hell out of going to your physics recitation.
-- 7. Your University president wants you to. Joab Thomas could probably beat Pitt singlehandedly if he wanted to -- he's donated 10 gallons in his life! That amounts to at least 80 times he's given blood. How can you not admire someone who's done that? (If only he'd open the budget. . .)
-- 6. You don't want Pitt to take us again, do you?
-- 5. I really can't say enough about the free doughnuts.
-- 4. Where else can you have nurses ask you comical questions with totally straight faces? ("For the record, have you had sex with a prostitute from sub-Sahara Africa or Madagascar since 1977, and were you taking medication at the time?") This is easily my favorite part of the whole process, although the nurses usually don't think it's all that funny.
-- 3. Whole blood can be broken up into its various components and used many ways. Because of this, one donated pint of blood plays a crucial and irreplaceable role in saving an average of three or four lives. Tell that to your physics professor when they ask why you weren't in recitation.
2. Have I mentioned that there are free doughnuts?
1. Think of someone you love -- your boyfriend or girlfriend, your parents, maybe your physics professor. According to the Red Cross, there is a 96 percent chance that they will depend on donated blood someday. Wouldn't you like to be there for them?
Inane jokes aside, blood drives offer a unique chance for you to help save a lot of lives very easily. The entire process of blood donation takes about an hour (a little less if you make an appointment), and that includes a brief physical and the aforementioned doughnutfest.
The Pitt-Penn State Blood Donor Challenge will be coming to a dorm near you next week (Nov. 9-13), and to the HUB Ballroom and Kern the week after that (Nov. 16-20). If you weigh at least 105 pounds, are in good health and want to help a lot of people and manhandle Pitt, please stop by and give blood.
That means you too, Scott.
