You look bored.

Okay, I can't actually see you right now -- which is a good thing, if you're reading this on the toilet -- but the fact that you're reading this at all is a clear indication that you're either bored or profoundly disturbed. If you're a dorm resident, I'd be willing to bet money on it. At least on the bored part.

No matter what goes on around them, dorm students are chronically bored out of their skulls -- I think the administration circulates boredom-inducing drugs through the ventilation ducts to make us more docile. A typical conversation in a Penn State dormitory invariably goes like this:

Bored student: I am so bored.

Roommate: Don't you have a 27-page paper due tomorrow?

Bored student: Oh, that (shrugs). . .but there's nothing to do.

Roommate: Isn't Van Halen playing on the HUB lawn now?

Bored student: Yeah, I guess they are. God, I'm bored.

Roommate: Hey, President Bush is speaking here today.

Bored student (sitting up): Really!?

Roommate: No, I'm just kidding. Why would he come here?

Bored student: I am so bored.

Unless countered early, boredom can become a serious problem in a dorm student's life, causing him or her to convert to strange religions, experiment with drugs or even write stupid newspaper columns. To prevent such tragedies, here are some creative ways to "spice up" your dormitory life:

-- The "my room's too hot" trick. You know those six-outlet power strips that nobody is allowed to own? The ones everybody has? Well, plug one power strip into the wall, then plug six more into that one, then plug six more into each strip plugged into the original one. Now you have 216 outlets! Next, plug in 216 fans and turn them all on high. Your room will be nice and cool, once you put out the electrical fire.

-- The "my room's too cold" trick. This also involves the power strips and outlets, but substitute hot pots and toasters for fans. Keep those emergency phone numbers handy!

-- A PSU pillow scavenger hunt. Last year Penn State supplied pillows for the dorms, right? And this year they didn't, right? That means there are 12,000 pillows lying around somewhere, unless they're somehow being put to use. ("Hey, this cornbread tastes funny. Why are they serving so much cornbread?")

I realize that we'd face long odds trying to locate the discarded pillows, but finding and getting our hands on them would open entirely new doors to student stress relief. We all thought it was fun to throw marshmallows around at football games. . .

-- A dorm room political convention. Get some patriotic balloons, make platform speeches about health care and family values while standing on a chair, then get really drunk with your friends. That's about all the major parties did at their conventions this summer, and they seemed to be having a great time. If you're really bored or apolitical, skip the part about balloons and making speeches.

-- Resident assistant barricades. Last year, a few of my hallmates made a Friday night habit of stealing sawhorses, railings and piles of bricks (among other things), and stacking them in front of our RA's door so that it took him two hours to leave his room Saturday morning. I liked the guy, but having scaffolding in the middle of our hall was pretty cool.

-- Duct taping a friend to the ceiling. This is great fun, and it takes care of any exposed body hair your friend might have. You need to be extraordinarily strong or have several friends handy for this trick, or the tapee will fall down before you can attach him or her well enough to stick. Anyone with questions about this should talk to a friend of mine -- he goes by "X" -- who I believe is still hanging around (ha, ha!) in our study lounge.

-- Sharing your wealth with a columnist. My friends and I know of nothing more satisfying and worthwhile than slipping a blank, signed check into an envelope and sending it to a local newspaper columnist. Credit cards and cash are also welcome. I really cannot stress enough how much joy doing this can bring you.

Well, those ideas should give you a healthy head start towards a constructive and eventful semester. A few might even get your name into the police log. Keeping safety in mind, please don't attempt any of these activities while intoxicated (except the ones requiring you to be drunk, of course). Even more importantly, never allow yourself to be duct taped to the ceiling unless you're sure you don't have to go to the bathroom. And anyone attempting the business with the electrical outlets would be wise to invest in an asbestos suit.

I'm about out of room, but I'd like to share one final boredom-busting thought for male students: maybe near the end of the semester, guys in the dorms could take off all their clothes and run around naked on campus in a pack and. . .

Nah, forget it. Nobody gets that bored.