Here are just a few events from this semester for you to reflect on while downing that breakfast beer.

January

28th: President Bush proposes to cut taxes and make up the money by fining universities that overcharge their grants.

Also, Collegian staff writer Chino Wilson writes a militant column calling for arms against the white devils of society. The outcry is enormous. Geraldo is rushed in.

30th: Penn State is accused of a $6.4 million overcharge against its grant. Officials defend themselves by saying that anyone could make the same mistake, provided, of course, that they have the IQ of bean dip.

February

5th: Japan's Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa bashes American workers, calling them lazy and unproductive. President Bush responds harshly, saying "Take that back or I'll. . . I'll. . . I'll puke on your shoes, that's what I'll do!" He then offers economic aid to Japan.

6th: A report is released in Washington revealing that 90 percent of American students are learning below international averages. One such student is quoted as saying "Duh, what."

10th: The University, in an ongoing controversy, reports that state budget cuts, fines for the overcharge, and fund misuse will not greatly affect students. By the way, tuition for Fall Semester '92 will be $11,000 per semester and fines for overdue library books will be $1,000 per day.

16th: The 1992 Interfraternity Council/Panhellenic Dance Marathon comes to an end. Dancers are quoted as saying "My feet despise me!" Seriously, congrats and deepest respects to all dancers. We're all proud of you.

18th: Attempting to shake his "foreign-policy-first" image, President Bush spends $24 million intercepting, housing and returning thousands of Haitian refugees.

21st: University President Joab Thomas claims that God will take his life if he cannot raise the $6.4 million owed to the government and asks for contributions.

24th: PSU announces that a hiring freeze will go into effect to combat the University's economic shortcommings. The $50 million Academic and Athletic Convocation and Events Center goes ahead as planned.

March

6th: The Michelangelo computer virus activates, causing minor damage to the memory systems on some computers and wiping out my English paper, I swear!

Also, a former University professor responds to allegations that he misused National Science Foundation grant money by saying, "I made A LOT of photocopies!"

8th: The check bouncing scandal in the U.S. House of Representatives reaches a height when it is disclosed that one of the checks was made out to Joab Thomas for $6.4 million to escape God's wrath.

10th: An auto dealer in Latrobe capitalizes on Japan bashing by offering chances to whack a Japanese automobile for a small fee. The car was registered to a Mr. George Bush.

12th: Mike Tyson is convicted of raping a former Miss Black America contestant. Protesting the verdict, Don King sells the story rights for an undisclosed amount of money.

29th: Presidential candidate Bill Clinton admits to having used marijuana but claims he did not inhale. He also admits to having had a drinking problem but says he didn't swallow.

April

1st: Student apathy subsides when Undergraduate Student Government elections provide a new leader for the next term.

3rd: John Gotti is convicted of racketeering and immediately becomes a Republican candidate for president and PSU administrator.

5th: Paul Tsongas withdraws from the presidential race when it is revealed that he is among 20,000 people who slept with Wilt Chamberlin.

6th: Voting begins for which Elvis stamp will become the official memorial to the King. Ten-thousand ballots were turned in for the younger version, 15,000 for the older, heftier, Las Vegas days picture and an overwhelming 40,000 ballots said "Who the hell cares!?!" The King, himself, voted for the younger edition.

9th: House Postmaster Robert V. Rota resigns after revelations that he was involved in a postal scandal in which he stuffed the ballot boxes with 10,000 votes for the younger Elvis stamp.

10th: A photogenic rock is picked as the Penn State class of '92's gift to the University. The $34,000 rock is quickly dismissed when rumors spread that it slept with Wilt Chamberlin.

21st: Larry Ott publishes his final column. A moment of silence and sadness falls over the University after the peals of laughter ring out. A memorial rock is designed in honor of the columnist and will be available as a possible gift from the class of '93.

Goodbye Penn State!