Hello, and welcome to Friday! In today's column, I will try (not very hard) to answer some questions commonly posed by students here at Penn State. Ready? Neither am I, but let's get started anyway.

Q: What is the difference between an open budget and a closed budget?

A: In an open budget, part of the bone is actually protruding from the budget. The skin remains unbroken in the event of a closed budget, although both cases can be equally serious.

Q: What is that hunk of metal doing beside the HUB lawn?

A: It is a sculpture, officially titled "Big Red Dude with a Gun." (Alternate official title: "The Fightin' Red Onionhead.") Some people think that it is a practical joke and would like it removed, but supporters claim that it's art and should be kept there to be appreciated.

I asked a friend of mine named Art, and he said the sculpture isn't him. He's probably right -- for one thing, Art's head isn't shaped like an onion, and he also doesn't pull around a yellow cart -- so I think the supporters are lying.

Q: My tuition money didn't fund that sculpture, did it?

A: Not necessarily. It may have been your parents' taxes.

Q: What exactly is "lentil loaf?"

A: You must mean lentil loafers. They are dress shoes, commonly worn in the PSU dining halls, with little buckles on the tops. You're supposed to put a lentil in each buckle when you wear them.

Q: We're not going to have our tuition raised again next year, are we?

A: Of course not! Don't be ridiculous. Penn State would no sooner raise tuition 25 consecutive years than it would drop its longest-running and most revered football rivalry.

Q: Why are there large, red poles sticking out of the sidewalk in front of Hi-Way Pizza on College Avenue?

A: As is often the case with large, red objects around here, nobody is sure why the poles are there, or who put them in the sidewalk. They're kind of the State College Stonehenge -- perhaps a forgotten, pre-Paterno tribe of natives used them in sacred rituals. It's also rumored that a deranged "Phantom of the Hi-Way Pizza" lives under College Avenue, and that the poles are the top few feet of his pipe organ. Maybe we should investigate the sewers of State College and try to find him. You go first.

Q: How many Uni-Marts are there in State College?

A: Uni-Marts? In town? I don't know of any Uni-Marts around here.

Q: Carl Sagan says there are billions and billions of them.

A: What does he know, anyway?

Q: Who put the green Froot Loops in the dining hall cereal bins?

A: I'm not sure -- maybe we're being used as guinea pigs by Kellogg's. Actually, we should be very grateful for green Froot Loops; they're the closest things to vegetables that most college students will touch.

Q: Why do students stand around the Old Main lawn and landscape it every semester? You'd think they'd have it all measured by now.

A: The students you always see looking confused on the Old Main lawn are actually victims of a cruel scam by the landscaping faculty. Each semester the unsuspecting students are told in class that Old Main must be landscaped as soon as possible, and while they are busy staring into those weird yellow tripods, their professors break into their rooms and steal everything.

Q: Does the Nittany Lion have a litterbox?

A: No, it doesn't. In fact, the lion almost always relieves itself onto the Beaver Stadium parking lot from the top row of the bleachers. To signal that it has to pee, the lion has been trained to hop around excitedly and point, then allow itself to be passed by fans to the top of the stands.

Q: Why do books cost a dollar extra in Canada?

A: That question has nothing to do with Penn State.

Q: It does for students at the PSU-Toronto campus.

A: That's true. The extra dollar per book that people pay in Canada is a fee imposed by the United States on Canadians for always letting them win at hockey.

Q: Why does everything, no matter how small or trivial, cost at least $20 at McLanahan's?

A: Prices are slightly elevated at McLanahan's because the chain is owned by a Canadian family, and they're all upset about having to pay more for books. Penn State tried to give them hockey tickets as compensation, but that just made them angrier.

Actually, you're wrong about their prices! Dental floss is on special this week for only $12.95.

Q: You're out of room, aren't you?

A: Funny you should ask that. I think I am.