I don't know about you, but when I awoke to the announcement that President Bush had collapsed in Japan, one thought raced through my mind: "Holy cow, Howdy Doody Quayle is going to be the next president."

Actually, it was two thoughts.

Hot on the heels of, "Quayle is president," was "gee, must have been the sushi."

While now I can look back on the incident and heave a sigh of relief that George only lost his lunch instead of his life, it still brings up the thought that one day H.D. Quayle might run the show.

The thought terrifies me, and I'm sure it terrifies most other Americans as well. In fact, stand-up comedians are the only people I can think of who wouldn't object to having a man who is represented as a feather in Doonesbury as president.

The comedians would be set for life if Vice-puppy Quayle were to ascend to the highest political office in the land. They wouldn't even have to tell jokes. Just saying the words "president" and "Quayle" in the same sentence would evoke nervous laughter from audiences all over. Not, "oh my God that's funny" laughter. But, "gee the world is going to hell on a Harley and I'm along for the ride, wheee," laughter.

Drug dealers might be set for life too.

The vice president of the United States should be a role model for children everywhere. Quayle was investigated for improper drug use by the Drug Enforcement Agency. (Hmm, I wonder if he held the bong upside down?)

I can see it now, two kids on a park bench. One has a joint and is saying to the other, "Come on George, even the vice president has alleg edly tried it. And look what he does for a living."

"OK. Ronnie let me have a hit."

What would happen to the millions of children, who hold the president in even higher regard, if an alleged past drug user took hold of the highest office in the land? I shudder at the thought of it.

But for argument's sake, let's say Quayle, who once said that in the event of George's death he would immediately say a prayer for himself and his country, (yeah, you and 246 million other people, pal) gains access by aneursym. What would the future of the United States look like under President (ulp) Quayle? (Please, kids, don't prognosticate like this at home. Remember, I'm a trained professional.)

I think the major change would be that for the first time in the nation's history, citizens would laugh openly at the president. People would wander down the streets and boulevards of America holding their sides chuckling at the thought that a real live Ken doll was sleeping in the same house where John Kennedy once worked.

Also, all golf courses would be hanged into national parks.

Dan knows golf.

Dan seemed to know golf better than his college studies. His handicap was about a 5, which is good, while his grade point average was only "average." So either Dan spent too much time on the course, or he was hit in the head by an errant chip shot while studying for his final in public speaking. Actually that would explain a lot.

All things considered, public speaking may be Dan's biggest flaw (other than that he's a lawyer). He just can't seem to get his point across. "Well my point is that I, as vice president, blow dry my brains along with... that is to say ... er uh, next question please."

That is unfair. As a responsible journalist, I shouldn't put words into other peoples mouths, so I'll let Quayle speak for himself.

After buying a doll on a South American junket that displayed an erection when its head was moved, Quayle said: "I could take this home Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of interest."

Displaying his knowledge of world peace, he said: "I believe we are on a irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change."

Advice Coach Joe Paterno will never hear: "There is nothing a good defense cannot beat a better offense," in. (My advice, stick to golf.)

And the best Quayle-ism of them all.

While at a United Negro College Fund dinner, Quayle tried to say the group's slogan "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." It came out as: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind - or not to have a mind. How true that is."

The reason Quayle comes off as such an airhead, is that he is over-handled by whoever tells him what to say. It seems like his handlers can't handle the job.

On Jan. 15, I called the vice-president's office to get some information pertaining to his role in the government in an attempt to modify my opinion that the guy is a putz in a bad suit. So they said they'd fax me some stuff. True to Quayle form, the fax was totally unfollowable (much like his language) and seemed to be the makings of three distinct press packets. All three pages of a supposedly five-page fax, had no relevance to one another, or to anything I had asked for.

Is this a man we want to run the government? No I think not, but then I again who wants Bush?

So go to the polls, and keep Quayle more than a heartbeat away in '92 The fate of the country depends on it.