My friends have suggested that I stop writing serious columns.

But, what should I write about? Hmmm . . . let me think.

Well, I could write about "how housing discrimination in State College based on sexual orientation has indirectly contributed to the declaration of independence by Soviet Turkmenia." Nah, too serious. Better yet, how about "the socio-political implications of finding a pubic hair on one's Coke can?" Hmmm. . .

My deadline's approaching and . . . wait a minute! This column will appear on Halloween. I know. I'll write a theme column using a Top 10 list (sorry Mr. Letterman, but I'm stealing your idea -- it's not like Penn Staters haven't joyfully exploited your innovative Top 10 device in the past).

Intrigued readers, let me present you with my "TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS AT OR ABOUT PENN STATE."

10) The dining hall's London Broil. Domino's must love it when this is served. I wouldn't wish this chewy, sour meat on my worst enemy. It can start a nuclear reaction. The only thing good about London Broil is it makes Shrimp Creole taste like five-star cuisine.

9) Vacuuming your roommate's hair. No, that's not a misprint. My roommate was recently in a car accident and got small pieces of glass stuck in his hair. The nurse told him the best way to get the glass out was to vacuum it. Can you picture this?

It's 2 a.m. and I'm knocking on my neighbor's door looking for a Dust Buster. Of course nobody has one, so I have to struggle with our humongous vacuum cleaner. His hair gets caught in the rotating brush. While I'm screaming in fear, he's screaming in pain yelling, "shut it off!"

In panic, I cannot locate the switch for the life of me. I eventually have to pull out the plug. All this time, however, I'm thinking he can survive being struck by a car but will be killed by a 500 pound Hoover.

8) Monty Python Society. Did you see them in the Homecoming parade? Pretty freaky. I first saw them at the Student Involvement Fair doing a takeoff of "The Holy Grail." Two girls were galloping around pretending to be horses and making clicking noises.

Gee, what are the entrance requirements for Penn State again? I loved "Silence of the Lambs," but for Pete's sakes, I'm not going to imitate Hannibal the Cannibal and eat someone's pancreas.

7) Closing down the Gap in State College. We "cookie cutters" would have no place to go to buy casual clothing. My scalped roommate calls me that because I supposedly dress like everyone else. He has this notion that 80 percent of the males on campus wear baggy shorts, pocket tees, canvas shoes, and baseball caps perpendicular to the sidewalk. Hey, that may be true, but it's still a great store that coordinates everything for us lazy shoppers.

6) Disasters at Sera-Tech. Could you imagine finding out that once Sera-Tech takes the plasma from your blood, they secretly replace the fine, quality blood they're returning with Folgers Crystals? Hmmm . . .

5) Pumpkin "fisting". Yes, it's the sadistic, vege-sexual, manual erotic manipulation that occurs annually around Halloween (in other words, cleaning out a jack-o-latern). Beastiality buffs, don't fret. Turkey "fisting" is but four weeks away.

4) Drunken, suicidal maniacs threatening to kill themselves in front of your apartment. Last month, some unknown trespasser awoke my roommates and me by shattering glass on our door at 3 a.m. screaming "I hate life." He then yelled "let me in!" Yeah right . . . I'll open the door right after I pour acid into my eyes.

3) Siriono, Choroti, and Apinaye women attending Penn State. These women do interesting things to their mates during love-making. The Siriono poke their fingers into the male's eyes, the Choroti spit in the male's face, and the Apinaye bite off the male's eyebrows and spit them out with passionate screams. Hmmm . . . sound like real fun dates to me. If they do come to Penn State, I wonder what organizations they'll join.

2) Commonwealth Campuses. They are a part of Penn State, but nothing compares to University Park campus. We're the best educationally and socially.

When I sat in on three general education classes at a branch campus, I felt like I was visiting Sesame Street. After talking to a few tranfers, I've concluded that the phrase "I attend a Commonwealth Campus" should be changed to "Not only was my imbilical chord not cut, but it's too damn short."

OK, that may not be representative of all branch campuses, but you have to remember which campus I attend. Let's hear it for loyalty!

And finally, the scariest thing at or about Penn State . . .

1) Being a columnist for The Daily Collegian. Seriously, this job stinks! Don't ever think about applying for this horrible, time-consuming, stressful position (especially in January when the incredibly awesome, intelligent, well-rounded opinion editors select the ten new Spring columnists).

Alright, this position isn't that bad (I just wanted to scare off competition if I decide to re-apply). The only complaint I have is my picture. My hair looks like Eddie Munster's and my smile is so fake that I'm surprised people recognize me.

That's my favorite part about being a columnist -- the recognition. People will yell out, "Hey, it's Frank Lau. You write for The Collegian." Of course, they probably say that to every Chinese person with a Ralph Lauren shirt and a perpendicular cap on his head, but it's fun.

Thanks for all the support and compliments. I also appreciate the criticisms because they have really opened my eyes (which is great because they're naturally slanted).

I hope you've enjoyed this tale of fluff. . . Happy Halloween!