My dream as a child was to twirl my baton in Beaver Stadium for the Touch of Blue majorette line.

Today I realize that twirling isn't enough at Penn State. Our majorettes must conform to standards that reek of sexism.

I remember the first audition. I entered the White Building that Saturday morning full of nervous energy. Studying the 50 women around me, I realized that achieving a position would be more difficult than I had imagined.

The audition was an emotional roller coaster. After eight hours of twirling, dancing and smiling, I waited to hear my number called. Hearing it would mean that I could go to band camp in August and try out at the final cut.

"B-1," someone said.

It was the very last number called. It was my number. Before leaving the gym, all 26 candidates were told what was required to make the squad.

"You need to lose some weight," I was told.

Though an exact figure was not specified, a standard height and weight chart enabled me to quickly calculate the figure in my head: 30 pounds by August.

I was to achieve a weight less than what I weighed in the sixth grade. You may assume that I am obese and bitter because I didn't make the squad. That's untrue. I'm bitter because Penn State allows the sexist victimization of our twirlers.

Our society defines a woman's standard of beauty in the pages of fashion magazines. Thin is in. Fat is ugly. Men like thin women. But the pressure on women to attain an unrealistic body weight is not only unhealthy, it's dangerous. Anorexia and bulimia plague college-age women.

We live in a society that hates women's bodies. Many men value women only as sexual beings -- without a brain, skills or talent. Women who try to achieve unrealistic physical standards often end up hating themselves.

I was told thin twirlers are necessary for a uniform look. It wouldn't be fair to the thin or overweight twirlers if audience members spent their time criticizing the one woman who looked bigger than everyone else.

Funny, I thought Penn State prides itself on diversity. Does this so called diversity exclude fat women?

The worst part of the final audition was standing before the judges and being scored on appearance. With my shoulders back, chest thrust out and stomach sucked in, I smiled. I felt like a Tammy Faye Bakker wanna-be.

Evaluation of the majorettes is based on one-third skill, one-third stage presence and one-third appearance. The point system implies: Who cares if you're talented? Just smile a lot and resemble Cindy Crawford. You're a shoe in.

But I wonder how many majorette candidates are starving themselves this very minute?

The summer I spent trying to achieve the weight that would be my ticket on the squad was the most frustrating four months of my life. I tried everything. I ran, walked, jogged, aerobicized, biked and starved myself.

Then one day I lost it. I cried and cried . . . and ate and ate . . . and then I cried and ate some more. That continued for a few days until I realized I was on the brink of a serious eating disorder.

I got scared and started seeing a nutritionist shortly after my breakdown. After a month of strict low-calorie dieting, and a weight loss of two insignificant pounds, I said "Screw it," and went on Slim Fast.

Though I failed, the Penn State Touch of Blue are talented twirlers and rightly deserve their positions on the squad. They and the feature twirlers captivate the crowd at every halftime show.

But, to keep their positions the majorettes are required to cut their hair to shoulder length. They are weighed once a week to make sure they maintain their assigned weight. And some complain about having to wear false breasts in their uniforms.

The male feature twirler isn't weighed. He wears no makeup. He doesn't wear anatomy props.

Does the male feature twirler get special treatment because he's more talented? Perhaps it's because he's a man and there is no need to impose appearance standards on him.

The fact that male and female twirlers are judged by different standards, even though they all have the same skill, is a prime example of sexism at this University.

I tried out again this year, but after three hours I walked out. My values have changed and making the majorette squad is not worth compromising my health and peace of mind.

I do remember a very talented twirler though, and I could tell, the audition mattered to her. She had style, stage presence, ability; but was overweight. (According to society's standards, not mine).

Unfortunately you won't be seeing her this fall. I was told she got cut. I wonder if the problem was lack of ability.

I doubt it.

I have a feeling the problem is the perpetuation of sexism at Penn State that limits the potential of countless capable women. We shouldn't find women to fit the uniforms, we should find uniforms to fit the women.