I gave Mom and Dad a big kiss as I left home for my final semester of college. Mom slipped me some gas money. Dad gave me a big hug and said, "You know what you have to do. Go to the basket!"

I started to cry.

I played varsity basketball in high school. I was a decent player. (Come to think of it, I really did have a nice shot). However, I lacked the most important ingredient. That one trait that makes a good player a great player. I'm not talking height. I'm talking confidence.

I was afraid to take the ball to the basket. I just couldn't do it. I was afraid to drive in full throttle and miss.

Junior year, I found myself sitting the bench as sixth man for a coach that only played the starting five. I did not play my senior year.

I've accomplished much since my high school basketball days, yet they still haunt me. It was the first time I had consciously failed to succeed at something I had wanted so much.

But in a way, it made me stronger. It made me face the fear of failure and understand that we all have limits. Be it ones we set for ourselves or ones set by outside influences. We shouldn't be easily discouraged if we can't live up to our expectations. Things could be worse. We might not live up to our parents' expectations.

Mom and Dad say it doesn't matter what I do as long as I am happy. Yet deep down, I feel they expect certain behavior from me. A behavior that stifles my yearnings to be a wandering Bohemian in search of the meaning of life. They want me to be happy but under certain guidelines.

Mom called to tell me she saw a friend of mine who graduated last summer. Not able to find a job, he decided to move to Hawaii for a couple of years while he decided what he wanted to do with his life.

"Can you believe that?" she asked with astonishment.

Yes, I can believe it, and I can also envy it.

We're in the ninth week of classes and I'm unusually calm. I haven't been my stressed out, uptight, pessimistic (realistic) self. I've been living day by day and loving it. I haven't tried to figure out what mysteries life holds for me over the horizon. In fact, I can't even see a horizon. I've been too busy smelling the flowers and gazing at the stars.

I look at other graduating seniors and see panic and confusion in their eyes. I listen to tales of interviewing nightmares and resume hell. And yet, I remain calm.

It's amazing.

Oh, I've spent my fair share of money on bonded paper, matching envelopes and stamps. I even go to the Career Placement Center in Boucke regularly to contemplate all the possibilities for a future college graduate.

Unless I want to sell something or learn to drive a bus, entry-level positions are quite limited.

But we seniors desperately seeking jobs shouldn't panic. We should see the next couple of years as a chance to experience life and explore different avenues. All of us with shaky futures should see it as a blessing in disguise. We have to face the unknown, so we might as well face it as an adventure. I just wish we could explain it to our parents.

For many of us, our parents' support and money has helped see us through four years of college. To them, college is the means to a financially secure future They cannot conceive that our diplomas don't automatically give us an office with a window. They view college as the time to learn and to have fun before entering the working world. The "a job isn't supposesd to be fun" attitude prevails. Work is work. It should be nine to five, respectable and pay the bills.

But some of us view work differently. Unfortunately, a diploma is just a piece of paper. Experience is what employers want. College does not equal experience.

It may be a while before the Prince Charming of positions comes along. We should try to explain this to our parents. Working for one company our entire career is not the way the '90s job market operates.

We're going to have to make a choice between making our parents happy and making us happy. I know my decision. I need to be happy now. I don't want a dead end clerical position. I need to challenge myself and see if I can make a difference. Hey, I'm young! I'm allowed to be idealistic.

Ironically enough, my parents are the ones to blame for my desire to drive full force ahead. My courage and strength is a result of their faith in me. And whatever I end up doing, I will still try to make them proud.

I now have the confidence to take it to the basket. I'm no longer afraid of failing. I have a new problem. I can't find the damn basket. There are too many choices, each leading to a different one. I can't figure out which one I'm supposed to shoot at first.

But it's not scary anymore. It's exciting.

I'm glad that I didn't peak in high school with the senior prom being the highlight of my life. And I'm not some college coed who forever revels about her wild and crazy college days. Nope, that's not for me. The best years are yet to come.

Financial success? Not probable in the near future if I seek a life of making the world safe for democracy and endangered species. Love, laughter and self-fulfillment? I sure hope so.

Just blindfold me, stick a diploma in my hand and let's get the game rolling. I'm gonna drive to the closest basket and hope to score. I don't want to sit on the bench ever again. I want to play an inside game. I want to be center in the Big Game of Life.

Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play.

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly . . . This should be one's symphony."

William Henry Channing