If you are not planning to vote in the upcoming Undergraduate Student Government elections and are sick of USG politics, do not read this column.

This is a service-oriented piece about the approaching elections. Because many of you out there care very little for USG politics (probably for good reasons,) this column will be an easy-to-read explanation of the poor fools running for USG president and vice president.

Before I get into the messy details though, I feel the need to explain one important point. These are my opinions based on what I saw at the first debate last Thursday. I tend to see things very differently than most people, but I've never been convicted of libel.

Roger A. Czulewicz / Janine Salomone: This is the only ticket without a neat slogan. Their basic working philosophy is the "Administration should work for the students, not vis-a-versa. " A bit idealistic and wordy, but it might work.

Here are some of the problems Roger and Janine would tackle: inadequate and unsafe parking, misdiagnosis and understaffing at Ritenour Health Center, an opened University budget and improved USG communication.

One bonus for this ticket is the fact that neither Roger nor Janine have been tainted by past USG involvement.

A former USG-Seth Williams groupie told me he would support this ticket if it weren't for their lack of experience. But this activist-junkie's head is so cluttered with neo-liberal chants that he can't see the real meaning of past USG participation -- an open and oozing sore on a person's political future.

Interesting Note: Roger has one of those mouth's that is permanently set in a wry little smile. I'm not sure what this has to do with USG presidential elections, but it makes him look quite the politician.

Courtney Malveaux / Saul Treiman: This ticket's slogan is "Penn State, it's time for you to GET SERVED." I'm sorry, but this ticket scares me.

As I watched Courtney and Saul during the debate, these were some of the words I wrote in my notebook -- "the kick ass ticket," "the mean vote," "law and order."

When the candidates were asked to explain their platforms, Courtney and Saul used a furious tag-team style delivery. Courtney would shout, "Priorities ... and then lash into a tirade about USG pouring money into radical speakers. Then it would be Saul's turn to shout, "Priorities ... " And so on.

From what I could understand, these are their priorities -- enhancing USG Department of Women's Concerns with a focus on improving Ritenour and more women self-defense classes, establishing a Department of Student Finances to provide information about loans and financial aid and creating a Department of Academic Affairs to ensure the quality of class instruction.

In pure political terms, this is the conservative choice. Courtney is sick of USG catering to left-wing issues and he wants to preserve the presence and growth of ROTC on campus.

Interesting Note: If you are pissed at the world, vote for Courtney and Saul.

Leslie Osborn / Michael LaFlam: The "Power of Change" ticket.

The most interesting thing this ticket had to say was a strange analogy about USG sitting in the backseat of a taxi driven by the administration. And that's where they lost me.

This is the Politically Correct choice with a grand vision. Leslie truly believes that her leadership as USG president will last into the next decade. That's a tough order even for U.S. presidents.

And here are some of those lasting objectives: creating a Department of Higher Education Affordability to fight tuition increases and excessive fees, gaining more student representation on University policy-making committees and initiating comprehensive USG strategic planning.

Interesting Note: This is the ticket whose last names go together the best, at least to my ear. "Osborn / LaFlam" -- it just sounds political, doesn't it? And they have such a neat logo too.

Mark Stewart / Merryl Werber: This ticket's campaign slogan is the most interesting and baffling -- "Creating the Impact!" It gives me a headache every time I try to figure it out.

This ticket takes the road well traveled for their operating philosophy. They see the role of USG as "service to students." I guess that's only right and proper, but it's so boring.

This ticket's campaign platform is anything but boring. You better sit down for some of these: extending meal plan points downtown, bus transportation to away football and basketball games, progressive student health services (again), 1-800 number for scheduling classes and a 24-hour computer lab downtown.

Interesting Note: Mark sported the most fashionable tie. He wore a crisp navy and green tie that conveyed the right balance of power and confidence.

Jim VanHorn / Kim Thorsen: This ticket's campaign slogan is simply insane -- "Fahrvergnugen." All I see coming out of this slogan is a nasty copyright infringement battle.

This ticket promises to: establish a Student Legislative Action Coalition to lobby Harrisburg, eliminate USG bureaucracy, lobby the Board of Trustees for important changes and student control of the HUB.

VanHorn could be the most sincere candidate running for the presidential spot. But there's a good reason why people should look more closely into this ticket.

In Wednesday's edition of this newspaper, VanHorn announced he will seek a party nomination in the primary elections for State College Borough Council. I wonder what his real reasons are for running in both elections.

Interesting Note: VanHorn showed poor taste in sporting a yellow tie, which fell out of fashion after the October 1989 stock market crash.

These are the choices. When you boil out all the bullshit, there is really not that much difference between the five tickets, except over the sexual orientation clause. But that's how elections are supposed to be, right?