"After the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, he then created Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were the first people to live in the Garden of Eden, but they were told not to eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. It was forbidden."

My Catholic school education began with this story -- a story Sister Gina told to first graders every year, in hopes that our religious instruction would mean more than, "Thou shalt not throw spitballs. Thou shalt not crack big wads of gum;" and my favorite, "Thou musn't make thy teacher's life a living hell."

Today I feel like writing a letter to Sister Gina. I will tell her a new version of Adam and Eve is spreading across the country . . . and she had better be prepared. According to a catalog I received in the mail last week, the divine duo have gone into retail (enter the Adam and Eve Shop by Mail Catalog for Erotic Merchandise).

Warning: This catalog is not designed for the cold at heart (or people like myself who can't even deal with an exposed elbow).

Instead it caters to the hot-to-trot, ready and able, adventurous and willing. It also fosters the false notion that if open communication can't save your marriage, sex, lies and videotape will.

Based on the premise that "seeing is believing," Adam and Eve features a wide selection of video entertainment -- the kind that isn't shown on your public broadcasting system.

In accordance with the standards of good taste, I will not provide graphic details. The titles speak for themselves: Beyond Briefs, Little Oral Annie, Thugs and Jugs and The Big Thrill (as opposed to the Big Chill, which describes the morning after).

All videos run for about 86 X-rated minutes of fire, power and passion. If you can't find the Grand Prix on television or at least a live broadcast of roller derby, Adam and Eve will suffice.

Since Adam and Eve certainly don't want to be seen as a one-item outlet, they also offer complete gift packs for the horny in need. On page three, I discovered the Sensuous 65 Sampler.

Hailed as a product that "sparks adventure in lovemaking while giving you protection," The Sensuous 65 Sampler is an assortment of erotic condoms, complete with a free gift tin for storage.

Choices include The Prime Snugger, Wrinkle Zero and the ever-popular Color-Coded Condoms for the man with the fashion-conscious member.

Women's needs are also taken into consideration at Adam and Eve. Forget Obsession, Poison or the over-priced Liz Claiborne. For only $24.95, women can purchase the Pheromone Cologne Gift Set.

According to the catalogue, "Pheromone Cologne contains androstenol, a scientifically proven sex attractant that fans the flames of sexual passion and unleashes animal urges."

How lovely. Now, we can all mate like Grizzly Adams.

Although all of these products manage to rank high in innovation and shock factoritis (that state of semi-agitation which parents experience when they find this catalogue), nothing compares to Adam and Eve's line of toys for playful partners. Consider the following:

Hop-A-Long Peter -- wind up male members with plastic red feet. These are great for bored dinner guests or stuffy relatives.

The Loving Game -- an erotic version of The Dating Game, except contact isn't limited to acquiring a phone number and a quick kiss on the porch. According to the catalogue, "There are no losers in this game . . . only satisfied players."

The Anything Goes Category -- these are the kinds of toys too detailed to dare put in print. Picture anything that offends people like Billy Graham, Oral Roberts or Jim and Tammy . . . you know what I'm talking about.

By this point, I remember rolling my eyes and thinking, "How many people actually buy this stuff?"

True to form, Adam and Eve provided me with answers, thanks to the handy, dandy Customer Comments form in the back pages of their catalog. Consider the mentality of some of these people:

"My wife and I are in our 40s. Kids are all grown and gone. So your catalogs, which we order from regularly, add a good spice to our lives." How do you think you had kids in the first place?

"The things I ordered made me feel like a younger person again." Check your wallet. With the prices Adam and Eve charge, you can also call yourself a poor person.

"Our marriage was in trouble, but thanks to you we are happy and enjoy each other a lot more." Let's hear it for Pheromone Cologne!

I think Sister Gina and I have a lot of catching up to do.