Get ready, folks. Put on your jammies, pop the popcorn and gather around the television tonight.

It's Oscar night.

Yep, it's the annual ritual of greed, gluttony and boring speeches, not to mention bad production numbers (five bucks says Rob Lowe and Snow White will not appear in this year's ceremony).

Still, I make it an annual tradition of trying to predict who will take home the big awards -- picture, director, actor, actress, supporting actor and supporting actress.

Notice I said trying. I never said I get it right.

Before I give my predictions for this year, however, I'd like to play Carnac for a few minutes. Won't you follow me now on a journey into the future? Here are my predictions for the films that will be nominated for Best Picture in 1994:

Back to the Future: Part IV: Marty McFly, ignoring every warning from Doc Brown, goes back in the DeLorean to 1955 for a nostalgic trip to see his future parents. In one of those silly time paradoxes, Marty accidentally runs over and kills his 1985-self, and therefore wipes himself out of existence.

This film will be billed as the first movie in which the lead character dies by running himself over.

Indiana Jones and the Last (and this time we really mean last) Crusade: Indy, an old and pathetic shell of the man he used to be, has been placed in the Shady Hills Rest Home in Tuscon, Arizona. For entertainment, the other residents begin hiding his dentures, and Indy must use all his resources to find them before dinner.

Sadly, this movie ends on a tragic note. Indy, his vision not being what it used to be, dies of a heart attack when he mistakes a garden hose for a man-eating python.

Star Trek VI: The Search for the Opti-fast Diet: They're fat, they're old, let's end this series before it gets embarrassing. Then again, it's already too late. Who could have ever imagined that Spock would end up shaped like a pear?

When Harry Killed Sally . . .: A tragic tale of love gone wrong.

Honey, I Stir-Fried the Kids: A touching and poignant story of a man, a chainsaw and his wok.

Do the Wrong Thing: A contribution to the delinquency of juveniles everywhere.

Pee-Wee's Last Adventure: I can only hope and pray.

E.T., The Extraterrestrial, Part II: E.T. is forced into bankruptcy after discovering that phoning home was not cheaper with Sprint.

The Fly III: Gore, gore and more gore. This time out, though, the lead characters finally realize that if they don't have sex, there's no chance of creating another fly baby (or another sequel).

Who Neutered Roger Rabbit?: Jessica Rabbit, deciding she and Roger have played pattycake one too many times after the birth of their fourth child, makes Roger get a vasectomy.

Rocky LXXXVI (that's 86, don't strain yourself): Rocky Balboa, 79, in the Shady Hills Rest Home -- that's where all movie characters go to die --challenges George Foreman, 102, to a three-round fight. Both die of massive coronaries while trying to climb through the ropes into the ring. The winner: the American public.

Born on the Fifth of July: A man spends his entire life lamenting the fact that his mother held out for one more day.

Okay, I'll get serious. Here are my real predictions, as I see them for tonight:

Best Picture -- Born on the Fourth of July. This is the standout in a field of unusually high-quality movies this year. A film has never moved me as this one did.

Best Director -- Oliver Stone, Born on the Fourth of July. Another standout, although not in a particularly strong field of directors, with the exception of Woody Allen.

Best Actor -- Tom Cruise, Born on the Fourth of July. This is a close call, because I think the Academy may decide that Cruise hasn't "paid his dues" yet. Still, he deserves it and should get it.

Best Actress -- Jessica Tandy, Driving Miss Daisy. The old folk sympathy vote.

Supporting Actor -- Danny Aiello, Do the Right Thing. Aiello will win because the Academy wants to put on an act that it has not snubbed Spike Lee.

Supporting Actress -- Anjelica Houston, Enemies: A Love Story. Since this race is so close, I'm going with the name-recognition vote.

So, there you have my serious and not-so-serious predictions. Enjoy the show tonight.

Oh yeah, while I would never, ever endorse gambling, if you do happen to place a small wager with your roommate, using my predictions, have a heart. Share the profits.