I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

I had finally managed to get over the Tom Cruise/Mimi Rogers divorce, and had begun once again to believe in the institution of marriage.

And then, once again, I am shattered. Donald and Ivana Trump are calling it quits.

Or are they?

The whole sordid affair first surfaced almost two weeks ago, as Liz Smith, gossip columnist for the Daily News broke the story of the Trumps' breakup.

The news gods were smiling on all three New York tabloids that week, as they now had "real news" to cover (this came during a week in which we had the proposed reunification of the two Germanys, the U.S./Soviet European troop reduction agreement and the release of Nelson Mandela).

Instead, we were treated to headlines that trumpeted (no pun intended) juicy tidbits such as: "Ivana Better Deal," "Gimme the Plaza" and my personal favorite, "They Met In Church," certainly a cardinal sin in the Catholic church.

This refers to Donald and the first meeting of his alleged mistress, Marla Maples, otherwise known as the 1990s first Donna Rice (the two actually sat in the same pew in church! Is nothing sacred in this world?)

In one day alone, the Daily News devoted 13 pages of coverage to the story, not including the front cover. That much space was last used on one story during the Oct. 17 Northern California earthquake.

The reputable news organizations got in on the act as well. I watched Channel 11 news on Valentine's Day and, somewhat ironically, the Trump affair was the lead story. On a day for lovers everywhere, love gone awry was the dominant theme.

We were given the details of the prenuptial agreement, which was said to be unfair, and the life history of Maples, who I still am not convinced is Donald's mistress.

We also heard all the details of Ivana's birthday party, including who was there, what presents they brought Ivana and what they thought of Donald. All details that I feel have made me a more-informed and well-rounded person.

Even the New York Times, that bastion of journalistic excellence, prominently featured the story on the front page of the Metropolitan section, giving greater priority to the Trumps than coverage of a murder trial.

The Times played it smart, though. Because their readers are supposed to be above this sort of thing, the paper analyzed exactly why the Trump story is news. The thinly-veiled guise for gossip extensively cited public relations and media studies experts, all who agreed the story had some importance.

Everette Dennis, executive director of the Gannett Center for Media Studies at Columbia University, said the Trumps "almost have the quality of a royal family" (I don't think so!)

So then, just when I think things can't get any sleazier, along comes Donald again, this time saying he wants to call off the whole divorce and forget the whole incident. Donald said the immense publicity has enabled him to "test the waters of public opinion, and the results seem quite clear."

I have a great idea. I am going to install a 900 number on my phone and then give the American public the opportunity to vote on whether or not the Trumps should divorce. The results will be forwarded to Donald, so he can make up his mind. Of course, I will charge $2 per call, in the spirit of Donald's greed.

I find it incomprehensible that a man who is worth $1.7 billion, owns practically all of New York City and makes daily business decisions with international ramifications cannot decide whether or not he wants to keep Ivana.

But let's face it: the American public loves this stuff. The high and mighty have fallen, and we get to see them bleed. Who wants to hear about the Soviet Communist party giving up their monopoly on power when we can read about Donald and Ivana and their problems?

However, I must confess, I'm just as guilty as the next guy. I read six newspapers a day, yet I would have an easier time naming the Trump's three children (Donald Jr., Ivancka and Eric) than I would outlining the U.S./Soviet troop agreement. And that's truly a shame.

So, an open letter to the Trumps: Dear Donald and Ivana,

Quit jerking us around. The American public may love your story now, but wait until we finally realize we just doesn't give a damn about you. We have more important things to worry about.

Love, Bill