Now is the time for those of us preparing to depart this venerable institution to begin that last great endeavor of our college careers: the job hunt.

It can be a rather disconcerting climax to four years of insular academic life. The job hunt is a frustrating experience at best.

But I've come up with some of my own suggestions on how to handle this frequently unpleasant process.

The Resume

A lot of confusion surrounds resumes, primarily due to years of instruction from English teachers. Try to remember everything your professors ever taught you about the resume. The initial advice probably went something like this:

A resume is the single most important piece of paper in your life other than your diploma. It should never be longer than a single sheet, and should always be on white paper only. Anything else is the tell- tale sign of an amateur.

Resumes should summarize your achievements and qualifications to date. Never minimize the significance of seemingly menial jobs. They reflect important qualities about your character.

No sooner are these tips mastered than the next professor offers:

A good way to make your resume stand out from all the others is to copy it on colored stationery. This shows the employer you are confident enough to challenge the myth that all resumes should be on white paper only.

And don't try to summarize all your accomplishments and qualifications on a single sheet of paper. A two-page resume is perfectly acceptable. But don't make the mistake of listing irrelevant work experience. Employers prefer information that reflects important qualities about your character.

The real trick to writing a successful resume is being creative. The search for character qualities in slinging greasy hamburgers is manifested as: "I was a team player in a nationally networked organization that contributes directly to the fight against hunger that struck over 14 million Americans."

Taking phone messages for your roommate has allowed you to "develop efficient communication skills."

Always use big words -- the more, the better. Some of my favorites include "matrixed," "streamlined" and "implemented." Avoid phrases like "totally awesome."

Whatever you do, don't let them understand what you're telling them. That could ruin everything.

The Interview

The key to interviewing is to not let the interviewer get in more than one question, preferably one like "How are you today?" or "Did you have trouble getting here?" After that, you do the rest of the talking.

As a precaution, however, insist on a lunch interview. And always order the salad bar. If the restaurant you go to doesn't have one, go somewhere else. That way, if the interviewer asks a question you can't answer, express a sudden desire for some of that delicious cottage cheese you forgot at the salad bar.

The interview is also your opportunity to get some first-hand impressions about prospective employers. A little discreet investigating on your part will yield astonishing insight.

While at the office, make sure you visit the bathrooms. Read any scribbling on stall walls. Four-letter words describing management's attitude toward workers can generally be taken as a sign of office discontent.

You can also tell if the company is cheap. Is the toilet paper dispenser the revolving kind, or the type that rations it in quarter turns?

A measure of how progressive the company is can be obtained by checking out the vending machines. As well as crackers and soda, do they dispense condoms? (Women should check availability of feminine hygiene products.)

Be on the look-out for employees wearing more than three layers of clothing in the winter, mousetraps tucked away in room corners and flypaper hanging visibly in the reception area.

Rejections

Even if you follow my advice conscientiously, there is a chance that while you are waiting for The Phone Call from The Perfect Job, you instead receive The Letter ("While we were impressed with your qualification s, other candidates more closely match our current employment needs . . .")

It is crucial not to be inhibited by rejection letters. They are obviously authored by incompetent nincompoops who failed to grasp your true potential, or mediocre wimps who view you as a threat to job security. In either case, I've always found a little return rejection is a great morale booster.

Pretend you never received their letter and write asking your application for employment be withdrawn ("While I was impressed with your company during my interview, I have come to the conclusion that other employers more closely match my current professional needs . . . ")

So if you're graduating this semester, tear this out and keep it in a safe place. You won't find these hints anywhere else.