We begin by tossing our tummy trimmers into the trash can. Then Richard Simmons is replaced by Julia Childs, who cackles with glee as she shows us how to raise our cholesterol level in 600 exciting new ways. The final blow is forthcoming. In a moment of seasonal solidarity, we say slim and trim is no longer in and instead lobby for, "Let's indulge and bulge."

Welcome to the world of the Holiday Hog.

The Holiday Hog is that familiar creature of excessive consumption who dwells within us during the holiday season. Its specialty? Instantaneous gluttony. We race to the homes of our relatives, ready to devour glazed ham, roast turkey, mashed potatoes and desserts loaded with enough sugar to support the Tooth Rot Fairy.

If misery loves company, so does the Holiday Hog. Out come the chocolate- covered cherries, cashews, cookies and bottles of wine. It's enough to send the faithful running straight to the confessional box. Forgive me, Father, for I have gorged.

By then it's too late. Our well-toned bodies now resemble a sideshow of unwanted cellulite: thunder thighs, stomach rolls and the ever-popular inflatable hips, the kind that swing from side to side and do the Rhumba on command.

Let me confess. I am a recovering Holiday Hog. Last week, I vowed to combat the culinary crimes of the past -- to leap off the scale without cracking the floor, to live a life without water retention and size 59 hips. I even kept a fitness log.

DAY ONE: I purchase Jane Fonda's new exercise video, "The Workout Challenge." The sales box features a trim and slim smiling Jane linking arms with two trim and slim smiling men, who laugh themselves silly as they do high kicks for the photographer and dislocate their legs.

There is a warning on the back of the box: "THE EXERCISES ON THIS PROGRAM ARE DESIGNED FOR PERSONS WITH EXTENSIVE EXERCISE EXPERIENCE, ATHLETES AND DANCERS."

It says nothing about Holiday Hogs. Lazy Jane. She could've been a little more inclusive. After all, Holiday Hogs have feelings, too.

DAY TWO: After envisioning myself as the first holiday hog to survive the workout challenge, I am ready and so is Jane.

Perhaps that is why she screams, "Whoo! Hoo!" as she takes center stage, reminding me of Woodsy the Owl or a distant cousin of George of the Jungle.

We start with head rolls. Right. Left. Front. Back. I'm moving and grooving and enjoying the music . . . wait . . . Jane is swinging her shoulders.

Okay, adjust . . . that's it . . . but by now, she's doing butt curls, arm twists and something I call the "thigh crunch." It sounds like a party mix for Weight Watchers.

I curse at Crazy Jane. She responds by screaming, "Keep it up. Work it out. Make it burn." I wish that someone will singe Jane's loudmouthed lips because, quite frankly, she is driving me up the wall.

DAY FIVE: I have finally forgiven Jane, telling myself that she must have been on speed during this video and, therefore, I must pray for her.

On to the arms. We slice and dice, pump and push. Juiced-up Jane yells, "All right! That's it! You're doing great!!"

A surge of energy washes over my body and I punch the air with renewed determination, only to lose my balance and crash into a neighboring lamp.

Jane smiles into the camera, "Don't yell at me. I've got to leave you with something to remember me by."

Thanks, Jane.

DAY EIGHT: I am about to make Holiday Hog history. I've made it to the aerobics section of the video.

Jane's smiling assistants, Peter Dudley and Greg Gonsalves, lead us through the various stages of cardiac arrest with back kicks, front kicks, low kicks and "split the seam of your pants" kicks. I tell myself these exercises will come in handy since I will probably want to crack both of these fools when this program is over.

Break time. Generous Jane allows us to get a cool glass of water. Smart, Jane. Smart. How about a tank of oxygen?

We go on. Jane leads us in balance and basic flexibility, moves designed to turn us into shopping mall hot pretzels. I stop to catch my breath. Jane is still sweating and panting and doing complex yoga.

I take the remote control and fast forward to the end of the video. Jane looks pathetic, but still manages to rise from her exercise mat and cheerfully say, "Good job. You were wonderful."

I know. Never underestimate the capabilities of a Holiday Hog.