"People who claim to be truly happy should be given urine tests - maybe I can help you get depressed."

So saying, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. began a cynical dissection of modern American society and values that left few stones unturned.

Vonnegut, the acclaimed author of Slaughterhouse Five, Bluebeard and many other novels, gave students a taste of his wit in a lecture Feb. 15 at the Carnegie Institute in Pittsburgh. The lecture, co-sponsored by Carnegie-Mellon University and the University of Pittsburgh, was titled "How to Get a Job Like Mine".

"I've called every lecture I've ever given 'How to Get a Job Like Mine'," Vonnegut said, "and then I talk about whatever I want."

Among the author's many targets of ridicule and criticism Wednesday night were government spending, patriotism, scientists and censorship. He displayed little enthusiasm for current American values and expressed skepticism toward the future.

Speaking to a large, worshipful audience comprised primarily of university students, the 66-year-old Vonnegut deplored the growing national debt and claimed that federal money is used primarily to keep American defense industries alive.

"The weapons we've spent our grandchildren's money on do not work worth a good goddamn," he said. "We need to invest in the arts of peace. . .public health and education.

"Am I suggesting a redistribution of wealth? You bet - tax and tax and spend and spend!"

Vonnegut also lambasted knee-jerk patriots and the National Rifle Association.

"Keeping America strong is baloney," he asserted. "We're getting weaker all the time and more and more stupid."

As for avid defenders of the right to bear arms, Vonnegut said they tend to misconstrue the meaning of the Second Amendment: to ensure a well-regulated militia in time of war.

"That nut who shot up the schoolyard - he was part of a well-regulated militia?" the author asked in exasperation.

"People with guns do become morons," he said, recalling his boyhood days as a member of the Junior NRA. "I remember opening fire on a flock of sheep."

Vonnegut said he also doubts the integrity of scientific researchers. He said he once proposed that all scientists take an oath promising never to work on a project that may be used to start a war or hurt people.

"They weren't remotely interested," he said. "Scientists are amoral, and they should stop."

As an author whose books have been banned and burned in some areas, Vonnegut said he is concerned with the current level of censorship. He noted, however, that "those same communities used to burn people when I was a boy, so I think there's some progress."

This century has also seen great improvements in the treatment of women and minorities in America, Vonnegut said. He cautioned, however, that sexism and racism never completely disappear, and they can resurface in full force at any time.

Discussing the recent presidential election, the author said he voted for Michael Dukakis last November, but was glad he lost.

"I don't think he would have made a very good president," he said of the Massachusetts governor.

In concluding, Vonnegut lamented the vilification of the ACLU and the death of charity in the U.S.

"It is now widely understood that anything even remotely resembling the sermon on the mount must be socialist," he said. "We are becoming less American, less humane."